A MODEST METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET
SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF THE REVENUE.
Poor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentleman has been dismissed from the commission of the peace for humanely endeavouring to obtain the release of Medhurst from confinement. Two or three thousand pounds, he thought, given to some public charity, might persuade the Home Secretary to remit the remainder of his sentence, and dispose the public to look upon the prisoner with an indulgent eye.
Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secret into thine ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright mad with the result of the elections, instead of dismissing delectable Dyer, they would have had him down upon the Pension List to such a tune as you wot not of, although of tunes you are most curiously excellent. For, oh! what a project did he unwittingly shadow forth of recruiting the exhausted budget! Such a one as a sane Chancellor of the Exchequer would have seized upon, and shaken in the face of “Robert the Devil,” and his crew of “odious monopolists.” Peel must still have pined in hopeless opposition, when Baring opened his plan.
Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled “Private Vices Public Benefits.” Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, be made so? you, perhaps, are not on the instant prepared with an answer—but I am.
Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare to discharge all the criminals in Great Britain, of whatever description, from her respective prisons, on the payment of a certain sum, to be regulated on the principle of a graduated or “sliding scale.”
A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,—not enough, however, you will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it. But a moment’s further attention. Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed that on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all parties so handsomely coming down with the “tin,” should henceforth and for ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed cranium. Now, why not a proposition to this effect—that on the payment of a good round sum (let it be pretty large, for the ready is required), a man shall be exempt from the present legal consequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit; or, if this be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take with the public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a man may know, at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime or favourite little foible. Thus:—
For cutting one’s own child’s head off—so much. (I really think I would fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for nothing.)
For murdering a father or a mother—a good sum.
For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand ditto—not so much: their leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.
Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in general—in proportion.
The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be easily arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I would charge high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most part, the entertainment of the nobility.
You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be discreditable, and that the thing is unprecedented. Reflect, my dear PUNCH, for an instant. Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable by a Whig government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread rigs. Why, this is just what might have been expected from them. I wonder they had not hit upon it. How it would have “agitated the masses!”
As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied. Pardons for all sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a future time committed.
After all, you see, Mr. Dyer’s idea was not altogether original.
Your affectionate friend,
CHRISTOPHER SLY.
Pump Court.
P.S.—Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come to, of entering the literary world. Your modesty may be alarmed, but I must tell you that several of our “popular and talented” authors are commonly thought to be greatly indebted to you. They are said to derive valuable hints from you, particularly in their management of the pathetic.
Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith. You say she will superintend your notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too long and exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other periodicals. Her style is not easily mistaken.
WHIG-WAGGERIES.
The Whigs must go: to reign instead
The Tories will be call’d;
The Whigs should ne’er be at the head—
Dear me, I’m getting bald!
The Whigs! they pass’d that Poor Law Bill;
That’s true, beyond a doubt;
The poor they’ve treated very ill—
There, kick that beggar out!
The Whigs about the sugar prate!
They do not care one dump
About the blacks and their sad state—
Just please to pass the lump!
Those niggers, for their sufferings here,
Will angels be when dying;
Have wings, and flit above us—dear—
Why, how those blacks are flying!
The Whigs are in a state forlorn;
In fact, were ne’er so low:
They make a fuss about the corn—
My love, you’re on my toe!
The Whigs the timber duty say
They will bring down a peg;
More wooden-pated blockheads they!
Fetch me my wooden leg!
COURT CIRCULAR.
Deaf Burke took an airing yesterday afternoon in an open cart. He was accompanied by Jerry Donovan. They afterwards stood up out of the rain under the piazzas in Covent Garden. In the evening they walked through the slops.
The dinner at the Harp, yesterday, was composed of many delicacies of the season, including bread-and-cheese and onions. The hilarity of the evening was highly increased by the admirable style in which Signor Jonesi sang “Nix my dolly pals.”
Despatches yesterday arrived at the house of Reuben Martin, enclosing a post order for three-and six-pence.
The Signor and Deaf Burke walked out at five o’clock. They after wards tossed for a pint of half-and-half.
Jerry Donovan and Bill Paul were seen in close conversation yesterday. It is rumoured that the former is in treaty with the latter for a pair of left-off six-and-eightpenny Clarences.
Paddy Green intends shortly to remove to a three-pair back-room in Little Wild-street, Drury-lane, which he has taken for the summer. His loss will be much felt in the neighbourhood.
AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.—No. 2.
Rundell! pride of Ludgate Hill!
I would task thine utmost skill;
I would have a bowl from thee
Fit to hold my Howqua tea.
And oh! leave it not without
Ivory handle and a spout.
Where thy curious hand must trace
Father Mathew’s temperate face,
So that he may ever seem
Spouting tea and breathing steam.
On its sides do not display
Fawns and laughing nymphs at play
But portray, instead of these,
Funny groups of fat Chinese:
On its lid a mandarin,
Modelled to resemble Lin.
When completed, artisan,
I will pay you—if I can.