CROSS READINGS.
(REC.)
If you ever should be
In a state of ennui,
Just listen to me,
And without any fee
I’ll give you a hint how to set yourself free.
Though dearth of intelligence weaken the news,
And you feel an incipient attack of the blues,
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take up the paper and read it across.
(INTER ARIA DEMI LOQUI.)
Here’s the Times, apropos,
And so,
With your patience, I’ll show
What I mean, by perusing a passage or two.
(ARIA.)
“Hem! Mr. George Robins is anxious to tell,
In very plain prose, he’s instructed to sell”—
“A vote for the county”—“packed neatly in straw”—
“Set by Holloway’s Ointment”—“a limb of the law.”
“The army has had secret orders to seize”—
“As soon as they can”—“the industrious fleas.”
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
“The opera opens with”—“elegant coats”—
“For silver and gold we exchange foreign notes”—
“Specific to soften mortality’s ills”—
“And cure Yorkshire bacon”—“take Morison’s pills.”
“Curious coincidence”—“steam to Gravesend.”
“Tale of deep interest”—“money to lend”—
“Louisa is waiting for William to send.”
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
“For relief of the Poles”—“an astounding feat!”—
“A respectable man”—“for a water will eat”—
“The Macadamised portion of Parliament-street.”
“Mysterious occurrence!”—“expected incog.”
“To be viewed by cards only”—“a terrible fog.”
“At eight in the morning the steam carriage starts”—
“Takes passengers now”—“to be finished in parts.”
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
“Left in a cab, and”—“the number not known”
“A famous prize ox, weighing 200 stone”—
“He speaks with a lisp”—“has a delicate shape”—
“And had on, when he quitted, a Macintosh cape.”
“For China direct, a fine”—“dealer in slops.”
“To the curious in shaving”—“new way to dress chops.”
“Repeal of the corn”—“was roasted for lunch”—
“Teetotal beverage “—“Triumph of PUNCH!”
For amusement you never need be at a loss,
If you take a newspaper and read it across.
A CON. BY DUNCOMBE.
“Why are four thousand eight hundred and forty yards of land obtained on credit like a drinking song?”—“Because it’s an-acre-on-tic.”—“I think I had you there!”
A WOOD CUT.
A correspondent of one of the morning papers exultingly observes, that the wood-blocks which are about being removed from Whitehall are in excellent condition. If this is an allusion to the present ministry, we should say, emphatically, NOT.
REVENGE IS SWEET.
The Tories in Beverley have been wreaking their vengeance on their opponents at the late election, by ordering their tradesmen who voted against the Conservative candidate to send in their bills. Mr. Duncombe declares that this is a mode of revenge he never would condescend to adopt.
If Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?—
Why, Farren-done-without!
“WHAT HO! APOTHECARY.”
Cox, a pill-doctor at Leeds, it is reported, modestly requested a check for £10, for the honour of his vote. Had his demand been complied with, we presume the bribe would have been endorsed, “This draught to be taken at poll time.”
QUESTION BY THE DISOWNED OF NOTTINGHAM.
Why do men who are about to fight a duel generally choose a field for the place of action?
ANSWER BY COLONEL SIBTHORP.
I really cannot tell; unless it be for the purpose of allowing the balls to graze.
REVIEW.
Two Prize Essays. By LORD MELBOURNE and SIR ROBERT PEEL. 8 vols. folio. London: Messrs. SOFTSKIN and TINGLE, Downing-street.
We congratulate the refined and sensitive publishers on the production of these elaborately-written gilt-edged folios, and trust that no remarks will issue from the press calculated to affect the digestion of any of the parties concerned. The sale of the volumes will, no doubt, be commensurate with the public spirit, the wisdom, and the benevolence which has uniformly characterised the career of their illustrated authors. Two more statesmanlike volumes never issued from the press; in fact, the books may be regarded as typical of all statesmen. The subject, or rather the line of argument, is thus designated by the respective writers:—
ESSAY I.—“On the Fine Art of Government, or how to do the least possible good to the country in the longest possible time, and enjoy, meanwhile, the most ease and luxury.” By LORD MELBOURNE.
ESSAY II.—“On the Science of Governing, or how to do the utmost possible good for ourselves in the shortest possible time, under the name of our altars, and our throne, and everybody that is good and wise.” By SIR ROBERT PEEL.
We are quite unable to enter into a review of these very costly productions, an estimate of the value of which the public will be sure to receive from “authority,” and be required to meet the amount, not only with cheerful loyalty, but a more weighty and less noisy acknowledgment.
As to the Prize, it has been adjudged by PUNCH to be divided equally between the two illustrious essayists; to the one, in virtue of his incorrigible laziness, and to the other, in honour of his audacious rapacity.
TO THE LAUGHTER-LOVING PUBLIC.
PUNCH begs to inform the inhabitants of Great Britain, Ireland, and the Isle of Dogs, that he has just opened on an entirely new line, an Universal Comic Railroad, and Cosmopolitan Pleasure Van for the transmission of bon mots, puns, witticisms, humorous passengers, and queer figures, to every part of the world. The engines have been constructed on the most laughable principles, and being on the high-pressure principle, the manager has provided a vast number of patent anti-explosive fun-belts, to secure his passengers against the danger of suddenly bursting.
The train starts every Saturday morning, under the guidance of an experienced punster. The departure of the train is always attended with immense laughter, and a tremendous rush to the booking-office. PUNCH, therefore, requests those who purpose taking places to apply early, as there will be no
RESERVED SEATS!
N.B.—Light jokes booked, and forwarded free of expense. Heavy articles not admitted at any price.
∴ Wanted an epigrammatic porter, who can carry on a smart dialogue, and occasionally deliver light jokes.
CHANT.
TO OLD FATHER TIME.
Time—old Time—whither away?
Linger a moment with us, I pray;
Too soon thou spreadest thy wings for flight;
Dip, boy, dip
In the bowl thy lip,
And be jolly, old Time, with us to-night.
Dip, dip, &c.
Time—old Time—thy scythe fling down;
Garland thy pate with a myrtle crown,
And fill thy goblet with rosy wine;—
Fill, fill up,
The joy-giving cup,
Fill, fill, &c.
Time—old Time—sighing is vain,
Pleasure from thee not a moment can gain;
Fly, old greybeard, but leave us your glass
To fill as we please,
And drink at our ease,
And count by our brimmers the hours as they pass.