PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS;
OR, YOUNG JOKER’S BEST COMPANION.
“All the world’s a joke, and all the men and women merely jokers.”—Shakspeare. From the text of Joseph Miller.
Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict attention of the reading public to the following brief prospectus of their forthcoming work “On Jokes for all subjects.” Messrs. GAG and GAMMON pledge themselves to produce an article at present unmatched for application and originality, upon such terms as must secure them the patronage and lasting gratitude of their many admirers. Messrs. GAG and GAMMON propose dividing their highly-seasoned and warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal facetiæ into the following various heads, departments, or classes:—
General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to individuals’ names, expressive of peculiar colours.
A very superior article on Browns—if required, bringing in said Browns in Black and White.
Embarrassed do., very humorous, with Duns; and a choice selection of unique references to the copper coin of the realm. Worthy the attention of young beginners, and very safe for small country towns, with one wit possessed of a good horse-laugh for his own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.’s jokes.
Do. do. on Greens, very various: bring in Sap superbly, and Pea with peculiar power; with a short cut to Lettus (Lettuce), and Hanson’s Patent Safety,—a beautiful allusion to the “Cab-age.” May be tried when there is an attorney and young doctor, with a perfect certainty of success.
Do. do. do. On Wiggins; very pungent, suitable to the present political position; offering a beautiful contrast of Wig-ins and Wig-outs; capable of great ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in a half whisper in mixed society.
Also some “Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces for all Joints.”
Calves-head.—Brings in fellow-feeling; family likeness; cannibalism; “tête-à-tête”; while the brain sauce and tongue are never-failing.
Goose.—Same as above, with allusions to the “sage;” two or three that stick in the gizzard; and a beautiful work up with a “long liver.”
Ducks.—Very military: bring in drill; drumsticks; breastwork; and pair of ducks for light clothing and summer wear.
Snipes.—Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; “Toast be dear Woman.” Mercantile; run on banks. And infants; living on suction.
Herring.—Capital for bride: her-ring; petticoats, flannel and otherwise, herring-boned. Fat people; bloaters; &c. &c. &c.
Venison.—Superior, for offering everybody some of your sauce. Sad subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave eye (gravy). Wish your friends might always give you such a cut. &c. &c. &c.
Port.—Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; flies out of glass because of the “bee’s wing.” Always happy to become a porter on such occasions; object to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a bottle; comes from a good “cellar” and a good buyer, though no wish to be a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful leading cues, and really with two or three rehearsals the very best things ever done.
Sherry.—“Do you sherry?” “Not just yet.” “Rather unlucky, white whining: like a bottle of port; but no objection to share he. Hope never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done Brown.”
N.B.—After an election dinner, any of the above valued at a six weeks’ invitation from any voter under the influence of his third bottle; and absolute reversion of the chair, when original chairman disappears under table.
Champagne.—Real pleasure (quite new—never thought of before)—must be Wright’s; nothing left about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, getting drunk with pheasant’s eye. What gender’s wine? Why hen’s feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not quite compact.
Hock.—Hic, hec, do.
Hugeous.—Glass by all means (very new); never could decline it, &c. &c. &c.
Dessert.—Wish every one had it; join hands with ladies’ fingers and bishops’ thumbs: Prince Albert and Queen very choice “Windsor pairs;” medlars; unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be cracked; disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. &c.
The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke manufactory of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the powerful and prolific steam-joke double-action press. They are all warranted of the very best quality, and last date.
Old jokes taken in exchange—of course allowing a liberal per-centage.
Gentlemen’s own materials made up in the most superior style, and at the very shortest notice.
Election squibs going off—a decided sacrifice of splendid talent.
Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on hand.
Laughs taught in six lessons.
A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just completed.
A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George Robins on the 1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by private contract.
N.B.—Well worthy the attention of sporting and other punsters.
Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled “How to Laugh, and what to Laugh at.”
For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and second-hand depôt for gentlemen’s left-off facetiæ, Monmouth-street; and at their West-end establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to Mr. Catnach, Seven-dials.
VERSES
ON MISS CHAPLIN—
AND THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL.
Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad,
With lofty hexameters grapplin’,
My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad,
For ’tis all about Ellena Chaplin!
As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees
To inspire his romantical nap. Lin
Ne’er saw such a charming celestial Chinese
“Maid of Honour” as Ellena Chaplin.
O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:—
Thou hast an infallible trap lain—
For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss;
As thou provest—with Ellena Chaplin.
E’en the water wherein (in “Die Hexen am Rhein”)
She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin-
Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch’d into wine,
When duck’d in by Ellena Chaplin.
A fortunate blade will be he can persuade
This nymph to some church or some chap’l in,—
And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid
Of the theatre—Ellena Chaplin!
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready to turn a penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of North American Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the ensuing winter. In pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at the Court of Chancery to purchase the “530 suits, including 40 removed from the ‘Equity Exchequer,’ which occupy the cause list for the present term.” Upon the discovery of his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on
GOING TO BRIGHTEN.
NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS.
| ANNUALS. | |
| FORGET-ME-NOT | Dedicated to the “Irish Pisantry.” By Mayor DanO’Connell. |
| FRIENDSHIP’S OFFERING | Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the Times. |
| THE BOOK OF BEAUTY | Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz. |
| THE JUVENILE ANNUAL | Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to Prince Albert |
| REPUBLICATIONS. | |
| ON NOSOLOGY | By the Duke of Wellington and Lord Brougham. |
| A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE | By W. Gibson Craig, M.P. |
| COOPER’S DEAR-SLAYER | By Lord Palmerston. |
DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS.
Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by mysterious rumours concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was said, had been discovered at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed to enclose these costly gems being solemnly opened, it was found to contain nothing but an antique pair of false promises, set in copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; and a bloodstone amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of Wellington. The box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and sealed with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being “Requiscat in Pace.”
SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY.
We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the Duke of Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting to his Royal Highness.
The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John Key, Colonel Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord Ashburton, and Sir E.L. Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with his Royal Highness, who received them in “full cry,” and was graciously pleased to confer on our Sir Peter extraordinary proofs of his royal condescension. The distinguished party afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with the nursery-maids.
Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is not the individual of that name who has been appointed monthly nurse in the Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought to have entitled him to a preference.
The captain of the Britannia states that he fell in with two large whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. There is every reason to believe they were coming up the Thames to offer their congratulations to the future Prince of Whales.
THE REWARD OF VIRTUE.
We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the Freedom of the Barber’s Company, enclosed in a pewter shaving-box of the value of fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a medallion of
THE HARE A PARENT.
A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the customary honour upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the birth of a male heir to the throne, in consequence of the Prince being born on the day on which the late Mayor went out and the present one came into office. Sir Peter Laurie suggests that a petition be presented to the Queen, praying that her Majesty may (in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward dilemma) be pleased in future to
MIND HER DATES.