PUNCH’S CATECHISM OF GEOGRAPHY.
The astonishing increase of the great metropolis in every direction—the growing up of Brixton and Clapham—the discovery of inhabited streets and houses in the terra incognita to the northward of Pentonville—and the spirit of maritime enterprise which the late successful voyages made by the Bridegroom steam-boat to the coast of Chelsea has excited in the public mind—has induced a thirst for knowledge, and a desire to be acquainted with the exact geographical position of this habitable world, of which it is admitted Pinnock’s work does not give the remotest idea. To supply this deficiency, PUNCH begs leave to offer to his friends and readers his Catechism of Geography, which, if received with the extraordinary favour it deserves from the public, may be followed by catechisms on other interesting branches of knowledge.
CHAPTER I.
OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.
Q. What is geography?
A. The looking for places on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere else in the world.
Q. What do you mean by the world?
A. Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare from the Bank.
Q. Of what is the world composed?
A. Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.
Q. Into how many parts is the world usually divided?
A. Into four great parts, viz.—London, Westminster, Marylebone, and Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts, viz.—the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.
Q. How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?
A. Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.
Q. What is a continent?
A. Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct tenements, as St. James’s, St. Giles’s.
Q. What is an island?
A. An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as The Eel-Pie Island, and The Convict Hulk at Deptford.
Q. What is a peninsula?
A. Anything that runs into the Thames, as The Suspension Pier at Chelsea, and Jack-in-the-Water at the Tower-stairs.
Q. What is an isthmus?
A. A narrow place that joins two continents together, as Temple bar, which joins Westminster to the City.
Q. How is the Thames water divided?
A. Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and gin-and-water.
Q. Where is river water found?
A. Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited principally by flounders and bargemen.
Q. What is pipe water?
A. An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.
Q. Where is gin-and-water to be found?
A. All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.
Q. In what other manner is the Thames water divided?
A. Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes and rivers.
Q. What is an ocean?
A. Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as The Floating Bath at Southwark-bridge, and The Real Tank at the Adelphi Theatre.
Q. What is a sea?
A. Any small collection of water, as at Chelsea, Battersea.
Q. What is a gulf?
A. A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by lawyers, as Lincoln’s Inn,—The Court of Chancery.
Q. What is a haven?
A. A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security, as The Queen’s Bench,—The Fleet, the sight of which is
ENOUGH TO TURN ONE’S HEAD.
Q. What is a strait?
A. A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as Wakley’s Straits, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.
Q. What is a lake?
A. A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self, as Peel’s Politics.
Q. What is a river?
A. A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are the source of the stream—the Ministry is the mouth. When the mouth is very wide, it is called a Tory mouth. The right or left banks of a Tax stream are the Treasury or Opposition benches, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his back to the source.
Q. How are tax streams divided?
A. Into salaries and pensions.
Q. What is a conflux?
A. Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The Duke’s breeches-pocket.
Q. Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?
A. Yes. Radicalism is that part of a stream nearest to its source; Toryism that part nearest to its mouth.
SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.
ALL IS NOT LOST.
Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the wooden gun named “Policy,” which was destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable. He has himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the “Policy” had been successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well provided with real artillery; and being now the greatest wooden gun in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.