THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
[From a MS. drama called the “COURT OF VICTORIA.”
Scene in Windsor Castle.
[Her Majesty discovered sitting thoughtfully at an escrutoire.—
Enter the LORD CHAMBERLAIN.]
LORD CHAMBERLAIN.—May it please your Majesty, a letter from the Duke of Wellington.
THE QUEEN (opens the letter.)—Oh! a person for the vacant place of Premier—show the bearer in, my lord. [Exit LORD CHAMBERLAIN.
THE QUEEN (muses).—Sir Robert Peel—I have heard that name before, as connected with my family. If I remember rightly, he held the situation of adviser to the crown in the reign of Uncle William, and was discharged for exacting a large discount on all the state receipts; yet Wellington is very much interested in his favour.
Enter the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, who ushers in SIR ROBERT, and then retires. As he is going—]
LORD CHAMBERLAIN (aside).—If you do get the berth, Sir Robert, I hope you’ll not give me warning.
[Exit.
SIR ROBERT (looking demurely).—Hem!
[The Queen regards him very attentively.]
THE QUEEN (aside).—I don’t much like the looks of the fellow—that affectation of simplicity is evidently intended to conceal the real cunning of his character. (Aloud). You are of course aware of the nature and the duties of the situation which you solicit?
SIR ROBERT.—Oh, yes, your Majesty; I have filled it before, and liked it very much.
THE QUEEN.—It’s a most responsible post, for upon your conduct much of the happiness of my other servants depends.
SIR ROBERT.—I am aware of that, your Majesty; but as no one can hope to please everybody, I will only answer that one half shall be perfectly satisfied.
THE QUEEN.—You have recently returned from Tamworth?
SIR ROBERT.—Yes, your Majesty.
THE QUEEN.—We will dispense with forms. At Tamworth, you have been practising as a quack doctor?
SIR ROBERT.—Yes, madam; I was brought up to doctoring, and am a professor of sleight-of-hand.
THE QUEEN.—What have you done in the latter art to entitle you to such a distinction?
SIR ROBERT.—I have performed some very wonderful changes. When I was out of place, I had opinions strongly opposed to Catholic emancipation; but when I got into service I changed them in the course of a few days.
THE QUEEN.—I have heard that you boast of possessing a nostrum for the restoration of the public good. What is it?
SIR ROBERT.—Am I to consider myself “as regularly called in?”
THE QUEEN.—That is a question I decline answering at present.
SIR ROBERT.—Then I regret that I must also remain silent.
THE QUEEN (aside).—The wily fox! (aloud)—Are you aware that great distress exists in the country?
SIR ROBERT.—Oh, yes! I have heard that there are several families who keep no man-servant, and that numerous clerks, weavers, and other artisans, occupy second-floors.
THE QUEEN.—I have heard that the people are wanting bread.
SIR ROBERT.—Ha, ha! that was from the late premier, I suppose. He merely forgot an adjective—it is cheap bread that the people are clamouring for.
THE QUEEN.—And why can they not have it?
SIR ROBERT.—I have consulted with the Duke of Richmond upon the subject, and he says it is impossible.
THE QUEEN.—But why?
SIR ROBERT.—Wheat must be lower before bread can be cheaper.
THE QUEEN.—Well!
SIR ROBERT.—And rents must be less if that is the case, and—
THE QUEEN.—Well!
SIR ROBERT.—And that the landowners won’t agree to.
THE QUEEN.—Well!
SIR ROBERT.—And, then, I can’t keep my place a day.
THE QUEEN.—Then the majority of my subjects are to be rendered miserable for the advantage of the few?
SIR ROBERT.—That’s the principle of all good governments. Besides, cheap bread would be no benefit to the masses, for wages would be lower.
THE QUEEN.—Do you really believe such would be the case?
SIR ROBERT.—Am I regularly called in?
THE QUEEN.—You evade a direct answer, I see. Granting such to be your belief, your friends and landowners would suffer no injury, for their incomes would procure them as many luxuries.
SIR ROBERT.—Not if they were to live abroad, or patronise foreign manufactures: and should wages be higher, what would they say to me after all the money they have expended in bri—I mean at the Carlton Club, if I allow the value of their “dirty acres” to be reduced.
THE QUEEN.—Pray, what do you call such views?
SIR ROBERT.—Patriotism.
THE QUEEN.—Charity would be a better term, as that is said to begin at home. How long were you in your last place?
SIR ROBERT.—Not half so long as I wished—for the sake of the country.
THE QUEEN.—Why did you leave?
SIR ROBERT.—Somebody said I was saucy—and somebody else said I was not honest—and somebody else said I had better go.
THE QUEEN.—Who was the latter somebody?
SIR ROBERT.—My master.
THE QUEEN.—Your exposure of my late premier’s faults, and your present application for his situation, result from disinterestedness, of course?
SIR ROBERT.—Of course, madam.
THE QUEEN.—Then salary is not so much an object as a comfortable situation.
SIR ROBERT.—I beg pardon; but I’ve been out of place ten years, and have a small family to support. Wages is, therefore, some sort of a consideration.
THE QUEEN.—I don’t quite like you.
SIR ROBERT (glancing knowingly at the Queen).—I don’t think there is any one that you can have better.
THE QUEEN.—I’m afraid not.
SIR ROBERT.—Then, am I regularly called in?
THE QUEEN.—Yes, you can take your boxes to Downing-street.
[Exeunt ambo.
PARLIAMENTARY INTENTIONS.
Mr. Muntz, we understand, intends calling the attention of Parliament, at the earliest possible period, to the state of the crops.
Lord Palmerston intends proposing, that a looking-glass for the use of members should be placed in the ante-room of the House, and that it shall be called the New Mirror of Parliament.
Mr. T. Duncombe intends moving that the plans of Sir Robert Peel be immediately submitted to the photographic process, in order that some light may be thrown upon them as soon as possible.
The Earl of Coventry intends suggesting, that every member of both Houses be immediately supplied with a copy of the work called “Ten Minutes’ Advice on Corns,” in order to prepare Parliament for a full description of the Corn Laws.
EXTRA FASHIONABLE NEWS.
Colonel Sibthorp has expressed his intention of becoming the blue-faced monkey at the Zoological Gardens with his countenance, on next Wednesday.
Lord Melbourne has received visits of condolence on his retirement from office, from Aldgate pump—Canning’s statue in Palace-yard—the Three Kings of Brentford—and the Belle Sauvage, Ludgate-hill.
Her Royal Highness the Princess, her two nurses, and a pap-spoon, took an airing twice round the great hall of the palace, at one o’clock yesterday.
The Burlington Arcade will be thrown open to visitors to-morrow morning. Gentlemen intending to appear there, are requested to come with tooth-picks and full-dress walking-canes.
Sir Francis Burdett’s top-boots were seen, on last Saturday, walking into Sir Robert Peel’s house, accompanied by the legs of that venerable turner.
His Grace the Duke of Wellington inspected all the passengers in Pall Mall, from the steps of the United Service Club-house, and expressed himself highly pleased with the celerity of the ‘busses and cabs, and the effective state of the pedestrians generally.
His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex has, in the most unequivocal manner, expressed his opinion on the state of the weather—which he pronounces to be hot! hot! all hot!
A SINGULAR INADVERTENCE.
A good deal of merriment was caused in the House of Commons, by Mr. Bernal and Commodore Napier addressing the members as “gentlemen.” This may be excusable in young members, but the oldest parliamentary reporter has no recollection of the term being used by any one who had sat a session in the House. “Too much familiarity,” &c.