THE POLITICAL EUCLID.
WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED
THE RELATIONS OF PLACE;
OR
THE BEST MODE OF
GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS:
Being a complete Guide to the Art of
LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION,
OR,
How to estimate the value of a Vote upon
WHIG AND TORY MEASURES.
THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO
THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS.
BY
LORD PALMERSTON,
Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of St. Stephen’s.
BOOK I.—DEFINITIONS.
A point in politics is that which always has place (in view,) but no particular party.
A line in politics is interest without principle.
The extremities of a line are loaves and fishes.
A right line is that which lies evenly between the Ministerial and Opposition benches.
A superficies is that which professes to have principle, but has no consistency.
The extremities of a superficies are expediencies.
A plain superficies is that of which two opposite speeches being taken, the line between them evidently lies wholly in the direction of Downing-street.
A plain angle is the evident inclination, and consequent piscation, of a member for a certain place; or it is the meeting together of two members who are not in the same line of politics.
When a member sits on the cross benches, and shows no particular inclination to one side or the other, it is called a right angle.
An obtuse angle is that in which the inclination is evidently to the Treasury.
An acute angle is that in which the inclination is apparently to the Opposition benches.
A boundary is the extremity or whipper-in of any party.
A party is that which is kept together by one or more whippers-in.
A circular member is a rum figure, produced by turning round; and is such that all lines of politics centre in himself, and are the same to him.
The diameter of a circular member is a line drawn on the Treasury, and terminating in both pockets.
Trilateral members, or waverers, are those which have three sides.
Of three-sided members an equilateral or independent member is that to which all sides are the same.
An isosceles or vacillating member is that to which two sides only are the same.
A scalene or scaly member has no one side which is equal to his own interest.
Parallel lines of politics are such as are in the same direction—say Downing-street; but which, being produced ever so far—say to Windsor—do not meet.
A political problem is a Tory proposition, showing that the country is to be done.
A theorem is a Whig proposition—the benefit of which to any one but the Whigs always requires to be demonstrated.
A corollary is the consequent confusion brought about by adopting the preceding Whig proposition.
A deduction is that which is drawn from the revenue by adopting the preceding Whig proposition.
MAJOR BENIOWSKY’S NEW ART OF MEMORY
A gentleman who boasts one of those proper names in sky which are naturally enough transmitted “from pole to pole,” undertakes to teach the art of remembering upon entirely new principles. We know not what the merit of his invention may be, but we beg leave to ask the Major a few general questions, and we, therefore, respectfully inquire whether his system would be capable of effecting the following miracles:—
1st. Would it be possible to make Sir James Graham remember that he not long since declared his present colleagues to be men wholly unworthy of public confidence?
2dly. Would Major Beniowsky’s plan compel a man to remember his tailor’s bill; and, if so, would it go so far as to remind him to call for the purpose of paying it?
3dly. Would the new system of memory enable Mr. Wakley to refrain from forgetting himself?
4thly. Would the Phrenotypics, or brain-printing, as it is called, succeed in stereotyping a pledge in the recollection of a member of parliament?
5thly. Is it possible for the new art to cause Sir Robert Peel to remember from one week to the other his political promises?
We fear these questions must be answered in the negative; but we have a plan of our own for exercising the memory, which will beat that of Beniow, or any other sky, who ventures to propose one. Our proposition is, “Read PUNCH,” and we will be bound that no one will ever forget it who has once enjoyed the luxury.
SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—NO. 9.
I wander’d through our native fields,
And one was by my side who seem’d
Fraught with each beauty nature yields,
Whilst from her eye affection beam’d.
It was so like what fairy books,
In painting heaven, are wont to tell,
That fondly I believed those looks,
And found too late—’twas all a sell!
’Twas all a sell!
She vow’d I was her all—her life—
And proved, methought, her words by sighs;
She long’d to hear me call her “wife,”
And fed on hope which love supplies.
Ah! then I felt it had been sin
To doubt that she could e’er belie
Her vows!—I found ’twas only tin
She sought, and love was all my eye!
Was all my eye!
SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.
The Shamrock ran upon a timber-raft on Monday morning, and was off Deal in ten minutes afterwards.
The storm of Thursday did considerable damage to the shipping in the Thames. A coal was picked up off Vauxhall, which gave rise to a report that a barge had gone down in the offing. On making inquiries at Lloyd’s, we asked what were the advices, when we were advised to mind our own business, an answer we have too frequently received from the underlings of that establishment. The Bachelor has been telegraphed on its way up from Chelsea. It is expected to bring the latest news relative to the gas-lights on the Kensington-road, which, it is well known, are expected to enjoy a disgraceful sinecure during the winter.
Captain Snooks, of the Daffydowndilly, committed suicide by jumping down the chimney of the steamer under his command. The rash act occasioned a momentary flare up, but did not impede the action of the machinery.
A rudder has been seen floating off Southwark. It has a piece of rope attached to it. Lloyd’s people have not been down to look at it. This shameful neglect has occasioned much conversation in fresh-water circles, and shows an apathy which it is frightful to contemplate.
TO SIR ROBERT.
Doctors, they say, are heartless, cannot feel—
Have you no core, or are you naught but Peel?
A PLEASANT ASSURANCE.
The Marquis of Normandy, we perceive, has been making some inquiries relative to the “Drainage Bills,” and has been assured by Lord Ellenborough, that the subject should meet the attention of government during the recess. We place full reliance on his Lordship’s promise—the drainage of the country has been ever a paramount object with our Whig and Tory rulers.