THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article, we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny—that we are as blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as that of gastronomy—and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators—no sprouting Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes’—they were no aspirants for the grand honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one—they were not ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others per diem. No! the rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,—they neither desired to be returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the partner of a certain lady for life.
Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty, and—what ought to be written in letters of gold—an heiress. She had the figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per annum,—and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions, were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.
Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly—gold. Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of the lovely Georgiana’s money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses of all save two.
Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they were human annuals—splendidly bound, handsomely embellished—but replete with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o’clock P.M. They were scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as a record of their having existed.
Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other; and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P. In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately, however, circumstances had never brought them into collision.
It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town. Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack’s; and Julius Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of Taglioni and the Opera.
The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay his devoirs to his intended. With this intent he proceeded to the mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant, however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the presence of his rival.
The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other, bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction.
“Fine day, sir,” said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware that he was holding communion with his rival.
“It is—very fine, sir,” returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been converted into a most contemptuous sneer.
“Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from Harrowgate?” inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of fashion.
“No,—I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,”—replied Julius, with a slight inclination of his body.
“Charming girl, sir,” remarked Mr. Peacock.
“Fascinating creature,” responded Mr. Candy.
“Did you ever see such eyes, sir?” continued Mr. P.
“Never! ’pon my honour! never!”—exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate enthusiasm. “You may call them eyes, sir,” and here he elevated his own.
“And what lips?”
“Positively provoking!”
“Ah, sir!” languishingly remarked Augustus, “he will be a happy may who gets possession of such a treasure!”
“He will, indeed, sir,” returned his unknown rival, with an air of self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his own.
“You are aware, I suppose, sir,” proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock, “that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular favour”—and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark, slightly elevated his cravat.
“I should think I ought to be”—pointedly returned Mr. C.—simpering somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at himself.
The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.
“Ah! yes—I dare say—observed it, no doubt!” said Augustus, when his emotion had subsided.
“Why, yes—I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark it,” responded Julius.
“Ah yes—you’re right—yes—Miss Gray’s attentions have been particularly marked, certainly—yes.”
“They have been, sir, very, very marked—she’s quite taken, poor thing, I believe!”
“Yes, poor creature!—sadly smitten indeed!—The lady has confessed as much to you perhaps, sir?”
Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied “Why really, sir, that is a question which”—
“Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong—yes, I ought to have considered—but candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?”
“’Pon my honour, my dear sir,” exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust.
“Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?”
“Very, very delicate, I can assure you,” said Julius, who, “laying the flattering unction to his soul” that he was the party alluded to, thought it rather an indelicate one.
Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired significantly, “whether he did not think he was a happy man?”
Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.
“I suppose,” after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently perfect indifference, “you are aware that there was a rival in the field?”
“Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow,” responded Julius, with equal insouciance, “but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize, perfectly ridiculous!”
“Oh! absolutely ludicrous, ’pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!”
“It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!”
“And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see the folly of such presumption.”
“To be sure, stupid dolt!”
“Impudent puppy!”
“Conceited fool!”
“The fellow must be out of his senses!”
“Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!”
“Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!”
The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of [pg 197]his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.
“Really, my dear sir,” exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, “I never met with a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself.”
“The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir,” returned Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P.
“I trust that our acquaintance will not end here.”
“I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you.”
“Will you allow me to present you with a card?”
“I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!” and so saying, the parties searched for their cases—Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting his gratification “to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly coincided with his own,”—and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring “that he should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life.”
“Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time,” observed Mr. Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which bore his name and address in the hand of his companion.
“I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest convenience,” said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his title and residence.
The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise.
“Peacock!” shouted Candy.
“Candy!” vociferated Peacock.
“Sir!” exclaimed the furious Mr. P., “had I known that Candy was the name of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have found, sir, of a very different character!”
“And had I been aware,” retorted the exasperated Mr. C., “that Peacock was the title of the fellow” (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis upon the word) “with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have been delivered to him but with a different motive.”
“Fellow, sir! I think you said—Fellow, sir!”
“I did, sir,—fellow was the word I used, and I repeat it—fellow—fellow!”
“You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of fool, sir!”
“Fool!—no, no—not quite a fool—only near one, sir!”
“You’re a conceited puppy, sir!”
“And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!”
This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment.
It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by informing the angry disputants, “that either had no reason to look upon the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure them that her affections were devoted to—neither.”
This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house, vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection, Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.
Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
SIR FRANCIS BURDETT’S VISIT TO THE TOWER.
On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country’s rights;—on last Monday he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and smouldering ruins before him—he perhaps compared them to his own patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly—
CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?
REFORM YOUR LAWYERS’ BILLS.
It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living within one’s income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the one standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances. The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified by Ribston pippins!
So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion. Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen—raptures from wrenched-off knockers—merriment in contusions—and frantic delight in fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes, Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,—they, Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following list.
N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
☞ N.B. For prompt payment only.
Messrs. Q. and Q.’s card of charges for defending a Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman, Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical Student, Grecian at Christ’s Church, Monitor, or any other miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy, from the following prosecutions:—
£ s. To breaking a policeman’s neck 50 0 To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same himself 10 0 To choice of situation of house in street where done, from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord for number and affidavit 10 10 Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury £70 10 For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other unimportant member 15 0 For receipt written by wife of handsome provision 1 0 For writing and indorsing same 5 5 Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent, including loss by their absconding with the name 10 10 Total £31 15 For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods 20 0 For carpenter proving same never fitted their respective doors there engaged 3 3 All extras included 1 1 Total £24 4 N.B.—Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to fracture 5 5 For suppressing police reports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman substituted for prisoner, and “seat on the bench” for “place at the bar” 10 10 Total £15 15 And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low charges.
Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
| £ | s. | |
| To breaking apoliceman’s neck | 50 | 0 |
| To producing witnesses toswear policeman broke same himself | 10 | 0 |
| To choice of situation ofhouse in street where done, from roof of which policeman fell; fee tolandlord for number and affidavit | 10 | 10 |
| Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, andperjury | £70 | 10 |
| For do. leg, ribs, arms,head, nose, or other unimportant member | 15 | 0 |
| For receipt written by wifeof handsome provision | 1 | 0 |
| For writing and indorsingsame | 5 | 5 |
| Extras for alibis, ifnecessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent, including loss bytheir absconding with the name | 10 | 10 |
| Total | £31 | 15 |
| For knockers by gross inpopulous neighbourhoods | 20 | 0 |
| For carpenter proving samenever fitted their respective doors there engaged | 3 | 3 |
| All extras included | 1 | 1 |
| Total | £24 | 4 |
N.B.—Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges arelow, the old iron may as well be left at their offices. | ||
| For railings, per knob ordozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to fracture | 5 | 5 |
| For suppressing policereports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the word gentlemansubstituted for prisoner, and “seat on the bench” for“place at the bar” | 10 | 10 |
| Total | £15 | 15 |
“WHEN VULCAN FORGED,” &c.
“Bless my soul!” said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by the button; “This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who the delinquent is?” “Why really, Sir Peter, ’tis difficult to say; but from an inspection of the forged instruments I should say it was Smith’s work.” Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges in the kingdom.