ONLY FANCY!
MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist Conference, has been supplying the United States with interesting illustrations of House of Commons manners. Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists, members of which body were largely represented in his audience, are "impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., found it necessary to explain that he had used the term "simply in a Parliamentary sense." We learn by special Zadkiel telegram that, on emerging from the Hall after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), bringing down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction that temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.
"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., struggling out of the wreck of his hat.
"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER (Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed controversy.
The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work for weekdays. From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on Strategy and Tactics to Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he instructs the chief actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the principles of their respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of large-paper copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he reviews regiments, cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, carries his own dispatches to himself, and makes speeches of varying length to all who will listen to him. Any professional reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's words is immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder. From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and officials, dictates state-papers to General CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their families, bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how to prepare dinners. The rest of the day he devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty leaves Berlin on his tenth visit to the European Courts.
There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is arranging a Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the members and connections of his family for whom he has found places during his term of office. It is well known that the accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is comparatively limited.
We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics.
"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with the bandage over his left eyebrow.
It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to call him out—even from Church.
It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria. His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has, we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of water."
With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will, therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.
There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the Times.
According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding, people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which was Sir SYDNEY.
Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his bow, and escapes to America from an enthusiastic audience, who might have torn him into musical pieces at St. James's Hall.
ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.
First Voice. I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this Commission?
Second Voice. Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the name of my fellow-labourers, and——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions?
Second V. I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict, there is only——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are beneficial?
Second V. I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only to——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of arbitration?
Second V. No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of labour rises on the stilly night, and——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you belong?
Second V. I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain, he should——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to no trade, what is your occupation?
Second V. My occupation is to talk to——
First V. Yes, thank you, that will do!
NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.—The Novel that Mr. Punch so recently praised, entitled Tim, is neither Irish nor political. Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book, to be entitled Tiny Tim.
OLD TIMES REVIVED.—The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House be known as EVANS'S?"
Footnote 1: [(return)]
See Cartoon, "Every Inch a Sailor," p. 129, Vol. XI., Sept. 26, 1846.
Footnote 2: [(return)]See Cartoon. "Suspense," p. 263, Vol. LXI., Dec. 23, 1871.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.