A STAGGERER!
Rector's Wife (instructing an Aspiring Buttons, who has answered her advertisement). "YOU'LL HAVE TO OPEN THE SHUTTERS AND THE HALL-DOOR, SEE TO THE STUDY FIRE, PUT THE THINGS READY IN THE BATH-ROOM, THEN CALL YOUR MASTER PUNCTUALLY AT SIX, CLEAN HIS BOOTS AND BRUSH HIS CLOTHES, CLEAN ALL THE CHILDREN'S BOOTS AND SHOES, AND BRUSH THEIR CLOTHES, LAY THE BREAKFAST PUNCTUALLY AT EIGHT, AFTER WHICH YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THE PONY AND TRAP READY TO DRIVE THE CHILDREN TO SCHOOL, AND BE BACK IN GOOD TIME. AFTER YOU'VE DRESSED THE PONY AND CLEANED YOUR KNIVES AND SILVER, YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF TIDY, AND THEN YOU'LL LAY THE LUNCH—"
Aspiring Buttons (gasping). "PLEASE, 'M—BEG PARD'N—PLACE WON'T DO FOR ME. WHY, I SHOULD WANT A NEW SUIT O' CLOTHES BEFORE YOU'VE FINISHED TELLING ME WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, AND THEN I SHOULDN'T FIND TIME TO BE MEASURED FOR 'EM! GOOD MORN'N."
[Exit Aspirant.
RATHER VAGUE.—Sir EDWARD BRADFORD, Commissioner of Police, informs the Public, through a paragraph in the Times, about a meeting at the Marylebone Vestry, that whenever in the Metropolis a street is found to be dangerously slippery, some one (probably a policeman) is to telegraph to the "local authority" (who? what? which? where?) and inform him, her, them (whatever represents the aforesaid "local authority"), of the fact. Well, and what then? Who's to do what, and when is it to be done? And what is the penalty for not doing whatever it is?
SHORTLY TO APPEAR.—Amiable Almonds, by the Authoress of Cross Currents. To be followed by Rum Raisins, Delightful Dates, and Polly Peach. Also, Dolt Care What Apples to Me! being the Story of "A Mal wil a Cold id is Ed."
BIGOTED.—An Anti-Ritualistic old Lady objected to paying her water-rate, when she was informed that she would be patronising "a High Service."
MEMORANDUM FOR MINOR POETS.—It is an elegant thing to write ballades and rondeaux, but it is tyrannous to read them to your visitors.