QUITE A LIBEL'Y PROSPECT!
(Or what may be expected after a recent Verdict.)
SCENE—An Editor's Room. Editor and Chief Sub. discovered in conversation.
Editor. And I think you have asked the Solicitors who have threatened us with proceedings to be in attendance?
Chief Sub. Yes, Sir. They are below—shall I send them up?
Ed. If you please. One by one; and kindly impress upon them the value of my time.
Chief Sub. Certainly. But I think you will find they will get over their business pretty speedily. After they have gone, no doubt you would like to look at the Contents Bill, Sir?
Ed. Yes, please; and now send up the Lawyers.
[Exit Chief Sub., when the Editor returns to his writing, until interrupted by First Solicitor.
First Solor. Sorry to intrude upon you when you seem to be busy, but it was your own idea that I should look you up.
Ed. Entirely. And now, Sir, perhaps you will kindly explain of what your client has to complain.
First Solor. Certainly. You said of the senior member of the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia, that, "although a very marvel of strength and grace, he could scarcely, after fifty years service in the ring, be described as a trapèze-practising acrobat."
Ed. Well, surely that is a most complimentary allusion to his personality! What does he want more than to be "a marvel of grace and strength"?
First Solor. You say he can scarcely be described as a "trapèze-practising acrobat."
Ed. Well, can he? Does he ever practise on the trapèze?
First Solor. Well, no. But he might if he liked! You see his chief business is to stand at the base of the pyramid, at the apex of which is his smallest and lightest Bounding Brother. But he might use the trapèze, I repeat, if he liked.
Ed. If what I hear is correct—it would have to be a strong one?
First Solor. Certainly—an extra strong one. We don't deny that our client weighs over twenty stone. But there, as we can accept no explanation, will you kindly tell me the name of your Solicitor?
Editor. Certainly.
[Gives the requisite information, and returns to his work, until interrupted by Second Solicitor, who has taken the place of the First.
Second Solor. I am afraid this interview is absolutely useless. Our client can accept no apology. You announced that you believed that JOHN SNOOKS had ceased to be in the employment of the Universal Cab and Fly Company.
Editor. Who is John SNOOKS?
Second Solor. He is a driver in the service of the organisation I have just named—and we act for the organisation. We complain that you have seriously injured us by telling the public that you believed we had lost the services of one of our thousand drivers.
Editor. But if we did believe it?
Second Solor. That is your business and not ours; and so, Sir, we shall be glad of the names of your Solicitors.
[The information is afforded, and the Editor returns to his work, until interrupted by Third Solicitor.
Third Solor. Sorry to disturb you, but you have been libelling one of our clients. He objects to your putting his Christian name in the paper—says that even with another surname it will injure him with his neighbours. He doesn't want his Christian name to be figuring in the public prints.
Ed. And what is his Christian name?
Third Solor. ZOZIMUS.
Ed. Why, that is mine! I thought I was the only man in the world with that name, with the solitary exception of my godfather!
Third Solor. Very likely you are—your godfather is our client.
Ed. Then mustn't I print my own name?
Third Solor. Certainly not without running the risk of an action for libel. The address of your Solicitors, please?
[The Editor gives the desired information, and then sends up "the Pleasure of Editing" to the Composing Room as a line for the Contents Bill as the Scene closes in.
An Elevating Exhibition.
At the Alhambra, the Little GEORGIA MAGNET ought to attract thousands. Three heavy swells seated on a chair she can lift, chair and all, so that the little lady's exhibition of power must have a wonderfully elevating effect on all who come within the reach of her influence. At all events, there can be no doubt that her magnetic force will give the Alhambra itself a tremendous lift.
"I can't write seasonable verses," replied Our Festive Poet, "until I've had my Christmas dinner, and then I'm mincepie-r'd!"
