GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.
[There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who could carry out the work with perfect ease.—Daily Paper, November 19, 1891.]
SCENE—The Army Universal Provision Company Limited (Managing Director, Mr. BLACKLEY). Enter Recruit in Department No. 1. He looks round him surprised at the business-like activity that greets him on every side.
Foreman (politely). Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-day? We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh from the Mint. Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but interesting. Can I tempt you?
Recruit (with some hesitation). Well, I thought of joining the Army, and—
Foreman (interrupting). Certainly, Sir. Doctor in that room. Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn to allegiance while you wait. (Ushers Recruit into various Departments—whence he emerges duly enrolled.) And now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you like to see?
Recruit. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars.
Foreman (promptly). Quite right, Sir. First-class Regiment, commanded by His Royal Highness Field Marshal the Prince of WALES. (To Assistant.) Show this gentleman the way to the outfitting-room—Tenth Hussars.
[Recruit in less than no time is fitted out. On his return to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a principal official.
Foreman. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your drill?
Recruit. Well, yes—
Foreman. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, at twelve shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of your reserved pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per cent. discount.
Recruit (without hesitation). I think I will pay it later.
Foreman (putting up his receipt-book). Certainly, Sir, No difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you will take your lessons.
[Recruit goes through a course which soon puts him to-rights. At the end he shakes Foreman warmly by the hand.
Recruit. You are sure that I really know my drill?
Foreman. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And now, is there anything more we can do for you?
Recruit. Well, I did join the Army with the intention of going to the wars.
Foreman (apologetically). Very sorry, Sir, but we haven't the article on hand just at present. Sure to have some by-and-by. Is there anything else we can do for you, Sir?
Recruit. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage to India.
Foreman (in a deprecatory tone). Well, Sir, frankly, we cannot recommend it. But if you have made up your mind, we must ask you to step over to the Waste Department. They settle such-like matters there. See over yonder, Sir, where that venerable General on crutches is. He has just got a Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as he is over eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils claiming my assistance. Good day!
[Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other quarters. Curtain.
