OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
(By Croesus.)
[Mr. Punch has decided that it is absolutely necessary for him to publish every week a financial article. The best treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of meum and tuum. Acting upon this principle, Mr. Punch has, in the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of the most, if not the most, eminent contemporary financiers, whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better than his bond, could such a thing be possible. Mr. Punch has only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]
SIR,—You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money, and could at any moment put all the Directors of the Bank of England in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure. When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities, when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.
(1.) Mines.—There can be no doubt that in this department a largely increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts" there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19-1/2, 6/8, 54·2-1/2, 7/8), that the prospects of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs as follows:—
"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit. The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz with my own hands, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant became a Salmi yesterday."
There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the most important native bankers. The profession is only open to millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.
(2.) The Carbon Diamond Fields.—The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm. This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire "CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately paid.
(3.) Italian Cattivas quieter. A Correspondent asks—"What do you recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb. Stk. 14—15). Wire "CROESUS, City."
(4.) South-African Pih Kroost short. Gold continues to be in good demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum, such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be "Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication. Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll live to bless "CROESUS."
Advice Gratis.—Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,
Inquiries as to The Para Docks Company, and The Jerrie Myer Bilder Company, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."
As to the Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company, I shall have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing, just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go it. This Company will be a big thing, and, mind you, safe.
For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here, as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."
ΘΗ ΠΡΩΤΕΚΤΕΔ ΦΗΜΑΛΕ.
["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By those charms we believe that she will hold her own against all competitors until literature and civilisation are no more."—Times.]
Protected Greek! Protected Greek!
BALFOUR may doubt, the Times demur,
And chattering "correspondents" seek
Against the goddess strife to stir,
But while the Senate rules, you bet,
The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.
When Don meets Don injurious fray
Then comes in sooth the tug of war;
And on this memorable day
They gather in from near and far,
To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek
To set the "Grace" against the Greek.
SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE,
And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH.
They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!"
But THOMSON is a man of pith,
And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave"
Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.
The Proctors sat with serious brow,
Within the swarming Senate House,
Voters in hundreds swarmed below,
Fellows of scholarship and nous.
They counted votes, and, when 'twas done,
Non-placets had it, three to one!
And where are they, Granta's fell foes,
The champions of the Modern side?
Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes"
Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride.
Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate
Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!
Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung,
The modern Greek, in imitative verse;
Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young,
Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse
The ragings—angrier ink was seldom slung—
Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse.
She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas,
Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.
Amusing sight this game! Don versus Don
Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook.
A lethal weapon is a Lexicon
When rivals make a bludgeon of the book.
By her unaided charms the Goddess won
Her way. This is the language of her look.
(The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am,
"So shalt thou find me, fairest"—sans Compulsory Cram!