THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
SCENE—The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine constructed to reveal the character and future of a person according to the colour of his or her hair, for the small consideration of one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are examining it.
First Pleasure-seeker (a sprightly young lady of the name of LOTTIE). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the colour of your 'air." I wonder what they'll 'ave next!
Second Pl.-s. (her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink eyelids and faming hair, addressed as 'ECTOR by his intimates). Ah, it's surprising how far they've got, it reelly is. And beginning with butter-scotch, too!
Aunt Maria. Come on, do—you don't want to waste no more time over that rubbidge!
Fourth Pl.-s. (a lanky youth, with pale hair and a receding chin, to his fiancée). Hadn't we better be making a move if we're going to 'ear the band, CARRIE?
Carrie. I shall move on when I like, without your leave, FREDDY; so make no mistake.
Freddy. Oh, I'm in no 'urry. I only thought your Aunt was getting—but don't mind me. [CARRIE does not mind him.
Dolph. (the funny man of the party). 'Old on a bit! I've got some coppers. I'm going to sample this concern. I'll put in for all of you—it's my treat, this is. We'll begin with Aunt MARIA. What colour do you call your 'air now? I don't see any slot marked "cawfy-colour."
Aunt Maria. Never you mind what colour my 'air is—it's a pity you can't find a better use for your pennies.
Dolph. (inserting a penny in a slot marked "Light Brown"). 'Ere goes, the oracle's working. (The machine emits a coloured card.) Listen to what it says about Aunt MARIA. She is—"tender-'arted." Jest what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper"—'ullo, must be a 'itch in the machinery, there!—"neither obstinate nor 'aughty"—(A snort from Aunt MARIA at this)—"her inclination to love never unreasonable." 'Ow like her! "Frolicsome, inclined to flirt and sometimes mischievous." You giddy little thing! Up to all your little tricks, this machine is! "Fertile in imagination, domesticated, thoughtful and persevering"—There's Aunt MARIA for yer!
General Chorus. Good old Aunt MARIA!
Dolph. There's a prophecy on blue paper from Napoleon's Book of Fate, gratis. (Reads.) "Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss if thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-a-crown off of her too!
Aunt Maria. Ah, I didn't want no machine for that. 'Ow you can patronise such rubbidge, I don't know! Tellin' characters by the colour of your 'air, indeed—it's told mine all wrong, anyhow!
Dolph. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive any machine! [Movement on part of Aunt MARIA.
Lottie. Put in for 'ECTOR next, DOLPH, do. I want to hear what it says about him.
Dolph. They don't keep his colour in stock—afraid o' losing their insurance policy. "Red or orbun's" the nearest they can get to it. (He puts in a penny in the "Red" slot.) Here's old 'ECTOR. (Reads.) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless disposition, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, LOTTIE! "Impatient and fiery in temper"—'Old 'im, two of yer?—"but for all that, is kind and loving." You needn't 'old him—it's all right. "He is passionately fond of the fair sex." What all of 'em, 'ECTOR? I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity"—Oo'd ha' thought it?—"but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage." You start reflecting at once, old chap!
'Ector (ominously, to LOTTIE). If DOLPH don't mind what he's about, he'll go too far some day!
[He breathes hard, then thinks better of it.
Dolph. Now it's CARRIE's turn. "Leave you out?" Couldn't think of it. Brown 'air, CARRIE's is. (He puts in a penny.) "A Lady with 'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"—Is your 'air long though, CARRIE?
Carrie (with pride). I should hope so—I can set on it.
Dolph. That's nothing! So can Aunt MARIA set on hers! (With a glance at that Lady's very candid "front.") Can't you, Auntie, eh? If you make a effort?
Aunt Maria (with dignity). I'll thank you to 'ave the goodness to drop your sauce, Mr. ADOLPHUS GAGGS; it's out of place and not appreciated, I can assure you! [She walks away.
Dolph. (surprised). Why, there's Aunt MARIA got the 'ump—for a little thing like that! Let me finish with CARRIE. (Reads.) "She is of an intellectual turn of mind." ("'Ear, 'ear!" from FREDDY.) "Very fond of reading." Takes in Sloper's 'Alf 'Oliday regular! "Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, CARRIE!
Carrie (firing up). Well, have you anything to say against that? You'd better take care, Mr. GAGGS!
Dolph. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here—"Although inquisitive and fond of prying into the secrets of others—" Now however did it know that?
Carrie. It isn't there—you're making it up!
[She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up.
Dolph. Temper—temper! Never mind. Now we'll try FREDDY. What's his shade of 'air? I should say about the colour of spoilt 'ay, if I was asked.
Carrie (with temper). You're not asked, so you needn't give your opinion!
Dolph. Well, keep your 'air on, my dear girl, and we'll call FREDDY's "Fair." (Reading card.) "A gentleman with this colour of hair will be assiduous in his occupation—"
Carrie (warmly). What a shame! I'm sure he isn't. Are you, FREDDY? [FREDDY smiles vaguely.
Dolph. "Not given to rambling,"—Except in his 'ed,—"very moderate in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection, inclined to be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"—'Ere, somebody, rouse FREDDY, quick!—"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em 'ere, FREDDY! "But if reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased." Pat his 'ed, CARRIE, will yer? "Has plenty of bantering humour." (Here FREDDY grins feebly.) Don't he look it too! "Should study his diet." That means his grub, and he works 'ard enough at that! "He has a combination of good commercial talents, which, if directed according to the reflection of the sentiments, will make him tolerably well off in this world's goods."
Carrie (puzzled). What's it torking about now?
Dolph. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat line. Now for your fortune, FREDDY. "It will be through marriage that your future will be brightened."
Carrie (pleased). Lor, FREDDY, think o' that!
Dolph. Think twice of it, FREDDY, my boy. Now we'll be off and get a drink.
Carrie. Wait. We haven't got your character yet, Mr. GAGGS!
Dolph. Oh, mine—they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good, yer know!
Carrie. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it would break the machine. I'm going to put in for you under "Black." (She does.) Here we are. (Reads.) "The gentleman will be much given to liquor." Found out first time, you see, Mr. GAGGS!
Dolph. (annoyed). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that!
Carrie. "Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper; more decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"—now you listen to this, Mr. GAGGS!—"will now know their weaknesses, which should induce them to take steps to improve themselves." ("'Ear, 'ear!" from the rest of the party.) "Knowledge is power, and enables us to overcome many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to." This is your fortune. "Thou art warned to be careful what thou drinkest!" Well, they do seem to know you, I must say!
Dolph. (in a white rage). I tell you what it is, Miss CARRIE BICKERTON, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a mejium for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not going to put up with it, whatever others may! So, not being partial to being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in company, I'll leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish you a very good-night!
[He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party stupefied.
'Ector. (with mild regret). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant as we were together, till this come up!
Freddy. And CARRIE's Aunt MARIA. gone off in a tantrum, too. We shall have a job to find 'er now!
Lottie and Carrie. Oh, do hold your tongues, both of you. You and your automatic machines!
'Ector and Freddy. Our automatic machines! Why, we never—
Lottie and Carrie. If you say one word more, either of you, we'll go home! [FREDDY and 'ECTOR follow them meekly in search of Aunt MARIA as the Scene closes in.