DEA EX MACHINÂ!
"AS HE'D LIKE IT."
(Shakspeare once more freely adapted to the situation.)
["We wanted, and we want, to do for the villages, what the first reformed Parliament did in conferring municipal government upon the towns. We knew that the Tory Party did not really mean to give us village or parish Councils.... 'The Radical agitators,' says Sir MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, 'want to see a complete change in the social condition of rural society.' What if we do?... Why, it was for this that many of us, seven or eight years ago, and many more years ago, fought for getting the labourer a vote."—Mr. John Morley at Cambridge.]
SCENE—The Forest of Ha(w)arden.
Touchstone (Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y); Audrey, (The Agricultural Vote); Jaques (Mr. P-NCH), behind. Afterwards William (Sir M-CH-L H-CKS-B-CH.)
Touch. Come apace, good AUDREY: I will fetch up your votes, AUDREY. And how, AUDREY?—am I the man yet? Doth my simple programme content you?
Audrey. Your programme! Lord warrant us, what programme?
Touch. I am here with thee and thy Votes as the glittering poet-god Apollo was among the herds of Admetus.
Jaq. (aside). Oh, knowledge oddly applied! Fancy Olympian Oracles in a thatched cottage!
Touch. When a man's speeches cannot be understood, nor a man's good platform wit seconded by the froward child popular understanding, it strikes a man more dead than a small minority on a big Bill. Truly, I would the gods had made thee political.
Aud. I do not know what political is. Is it honest in deed and word? Is it a true thing?
Touch. (with sardonic frankness). No, truly; for the truest politics show the most feigning; and Tories are given to politics; and what they swear, in politics, may be said, as Tories, they do feign.
Aud. Do you wish, then, that the gods had made me political?
Touch. I do, truly; for they swear to me thou art true Tory, parson-and-squire-ridden Tory. Now, if thou wert political, I might have some hope thou didst feign—to them!
Aud. Would you not have me Tory?
Touch. No, truly, unless thou wert fortune-favoured; for Toryism coupled to poverty is to have folly a sauce to misery.
Jaq. (aside). A shrewd fool!
Aud. Well, I am not rich; and therefore I pray the gods to make me Liberal.
Touch. Truly, and to cast away Liberalism upon a willingly "unemancipated" Voter, were to deck a porker with pearls.
Aud. I may not be "emancipated," but I thank the gods I am "enfranchised."
Touch. Well, praised be the Liberals for thine enfranchisement! Emancipation—from "squarsonry"—may come hereafter. But, be it as it may, I will marry thee.
Jaq. (aside). I would fain see this wedding. Methinks there will be sport forward ere it be fully achieved.
Aud. Well, the gods give us joy!
Touch. Amen.... But, AUDREY, there is a youth here in the forest lays claim to you.
Aud. Ay, I know who 'tis: he hath no interest in me in the world. Here comes the man you mean.
Touch. It is meat and drink to me to see a—Tory: by my troth, we that have good wits have much to answer for; we shall be flouting; we cannot hold.
Enter WILLIAM.
Will. Good even, AUDREY.
Aud. Give ye good even, WILLIAM.
Will. And good even to you, Sir!
Touch. Good even, gentle friend.... Art thou wise?
Will. Ay, Sir, I have a pretty wit.
Touch. You do desire this maid?
Will. I do, Sir.
Touch. Give me your hand. Art thou learned?
Will. No, Sir.
Touch. Then learn this of me; to have is to have; for it is a great figure in Gladstonian rhetoric, that votes being deducted from one Party and added to another, by putting the one Out do put the other In; for all your writers do consent that ipse is he: now you are not ipse, for I am he.
Will. Which he, Sir?
Touch. He, Sir, that must marry the woman. Therefore, you Tory, abandon—which is, in the vulgar, leave—the society, which in the boorish is, company—of this female,—which in the common is, woman; which together is, abandon the society of this female, or Tory, thou vanishest; or, to thy better understanding, skedaddlest; or, to wit, I defeat thee, make thee away, translate thy majority into minority, thine Office into Opposition; I will deal in programmes with thee, or in eloquence, or in epigram; I will bandy with thee in faction; I will o'errun thee with policy; I will "mend thee or end thee" a hundred and fifty ways; therefore, tremble, and depart!
SONG (behind).
It was a lover and his lass,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
That o'er the stubble fields did pass
(Together WILL caught 'em).
In the time of autumn,
When M.P.'s spout, and "manoeuvre" about;
M.P.'s (who are "out") love autumn.
About three acres and a cow,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino;
The artful country folks know now.
In the time of autumn, &c.
Since that the franchise was their dower,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
The Country Voters are a power.
In the time of autumn, &c.
And, therefore, at the present time,
With "an Agricultural Policy"—funny, ho!—
Both Parties simple HODGE would lime,
In the time of autumn, &c.
Will. (aside). Truly, though there is no great matter in the ditty, yet the note is very untuneable.
[Exit.
Touch. Trip, AUDREY, trip, AUDREY,—I attend,—I attend!
[Exeunt.
Jaq. (appearing). There is surely another political deluge forward, and these motley would-be couples are seeking the official ark!
[Exit.
William. . . SIR M-CH-L H-CKS-B-CH. Touchstone. . . J-HN M-RL-Y. Audrey. . . THE AGRICULTURAL VOTE.
"AS HE'D LIKE IT."
TOUCHSTONE. "I AM HE THAT MUST MARRY THIS WOMAN! THEREFORE, YOU CLOWN, ABANDON THE SOCIETY OF THIS FEMALE;... I WILL BANDY WITH THEE IN FACTION; I WILL O'ERRUN THEE WITH POLICY; THEREFORE, TREMBLE, AND DEPART!"—As You Like It, Act V., Scene 1.