THE NEW MONITOR; OR, JOSEPH'S JOBATION.
["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will at once perceive how his position has been altered by becoming the head of a party including many shades of opinion, instead of being, as he has been, the spokesman of a small set of politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, but not quite in sympathy with all those who shared their fortunes."—The Times.
"The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's succession to the Peerage have very much narrowed the freedom previously enjoyed by the Member for West Birmingham, and, in a corresponding degree, enlarged the sphere of his responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to act as guide and moderator at St. Stephen's will be careful, no doubt, not to compromise his authority by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance on remote and contentious issues."—The Standard.]
SCENE—St. Stephen's School. Present, Doctor T., Principal, Mrs. S., Matron, and Master JOE, Pupil, lately promoted to Monitorship in the Lower School.
Doctor T. Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to congratulate you upon your—a—a—promotion!
Master Joe (coolly). You are very good, Sir, I'm sure. [Whistles.
Doctor T. Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to say—ahem!—you doubtless deserve it.
Mrs. S. Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always said you would turn out a better boy than, at one time I—that is to say, many—expected. It is a great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all the care—
Master Joe (aside). And the numerous jobations!
Mrs. S. That I—that we have bestowed upon you, to find—ahem!—our best hopes so amply fulfilled.
Dr. T. Fulfilled, JOSEPH; whether amply or not it remains for you to prove.
Master Joe (carelessly). All right, Sir, I'll prove it fast enough.
Dr. T. I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast enough" is hardly the phrase I should have adopted, or—ahem!—recommended,—in the circumstances!
"Is there a word wants nobleness and grace,
Devoid of weight, nor worthy of high place?"
You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a case.
Master Joe (aside). Bothersome old Blimber!
Mrs. S. Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and extravagance of speech will not befit your present position, you know.
Master Joe. (aside). Prosy old Pipchin!
Dr. T. You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better model than the boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his going to the Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was ever a pattern of propriety, and one absolutely to be depended upon to maintain the prestige of the school, and—ahem!—the authority of the Masters, in every contingency.
Mrs. S. In every contingency, JOSEPH. How unlike that talented, but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a lad whose leadership you once acknowledged, but whose pernicious influence, I am happy to find, you have lately quite cast off.
Master Joe (knowingly). Rather! Where there's a WILL there's a way; and WILL thought it must always be his way. But "not for JOE!"
Dr. T. Again, JOSEPH, is not that—ahem!—quotation from the popular minstrelsy of our time a leetle reminiscent of ruder, and more Radical days?
Master Joe. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then say that "Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo" is a very pretty maxim for lions—and jackals. The former rôle I may not yet have risen to, but I'm hanged if I'll stoop to the latter.
Dr. T. Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a questionable Leonina Societas. Remember, also, JOSEPH, what an awful example you have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, at one time, you seemed a little intimate. You have only to reflect upon his fiasco, "to have the counsels of prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the lesson will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit by any mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and successful rival."
Master Joe (aside). Lessons all round, eh? Seems to me all this grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps they'll find I'm better at teaching than learning.
Mrs. S. Cavendo tutus, JOSEPH, safe by caution. The motto of your predecessor. You cannot do better than take it as your own.
Master Joe (innocently). Think not, Ma'am? I fancy every man ought to have his own motto. Now I was thinking of Cede nullis!
