THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.
(A Conversation—Purely Imaginary.)
SCENE—Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military Adviser.
Mil. A. I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are we to have any this year?
Sec. of S. (with a melancholy smile). That depends upon circumstances not entirely under my control.
Mil. A. Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever you commence they will have to carry out.
Sec. of S. Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense?
Mil. A. Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition.
Sec. of S. Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book.
Mil. A. (drily). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next?
Sec. of S. Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of it?
Mil. A. I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an unfamiliar country.
Sec. of S. But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next?
Mil. A. Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses.
Sec. of S. Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals?
Mil. A. Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he—
Sec. of S. Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket.
Mil. A. Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special occasion I think it would be advisable if—
Sec. of S. (interrupting). What nonsense! Why, of course we will make them all walk. It will do them a world of good!
Mil. A. Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will distinctly be a long walk—a very long walk indeed!
Sec. of S. (heartily). So much the better—so much the better!
Mil. A. (sarcastically). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill in shoe-leather!
Sec. of S. (aghast). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just now! The fact is, I have to think of other things!
[Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things.