FANCY PORTRAIT.
QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!
Being Lady Windy-mère's Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.
["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-smoked cigarette."—Daily Telegraph.]
Earl (in a choking voice). I suspected as much from the very first!
Re-enter the Countess, carrying a heap of family portraits.
Countess. Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you!
Duchess (overflowing with emotion). My dear, this is too much. (Weeps.) You unwoman—I should say unlady—me!
Enter Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.
Lord T.C. Come and marry me.
Duchess. With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy! [Exeunt.
Earl. And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.
Quick Curtain.
Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.
Author. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a smoke myself. (Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience à la HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking jacket? Thank you! (Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the presence of the audience.) And now I will have a chair. (Stamps, when up comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge), and a cup of tea. (Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray and a five o'clock set.) And now I think we are comfortable. (Helps himself to tea, smokes, &c.) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train—I repeat, as I have to catch a train—
Entire Audience. And so have we! [Exeunt. (Thus the Play ends in smoke.)