THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.
(What it may come to.)
["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."—Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee.]
SCENE—A Public Place.
Sergeant KITE and a Possible Recruit in conversation.
Sergeant Kite (continuing). Then you must remember that we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
Possible Recruit (pained). Rations! I suppose you mean courses! I find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.
Sergeant K. (with suppressed emotion). If it must be so, then it must. Who's to pay the piper, I don't know! The Public, I suppose.
P. R. I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.
Sergeant K. (after an interval). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-water! Oh, this is too much!
P.R. (coolly). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
Sergeant K. Feather-beds!
P.R. Yes. A sine quâ non, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
Sergeant K. (with sarcasm). And you would wish to retire at a week's notice if war were declared?
P.R. (surprised). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for civil employment?
Sergeant K. No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly counter-jumper?
P.R. Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
Sergeant K. Any other point you would like to mention?
P.R. Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him when we got back to England. You understand my point?
Sergeant K. Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier present at the battle from suing also?
P.R. Nothing at all. Of course they would all sue. So no General must be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High Court at home security for costs if defeated,—say half a million or so.
Sergeant K. (with forced politeness). Well, I'm glad to have heard your views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
P.R. Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.
Sergeant K. Oh—!
[The remainder of the gallant Sergeant's observations are not necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit.