IN OFFICE WITH THE LABOUR VOTE.
(How to deal with an Awkward Matter, according to Precedent.)
SCENE—A Smoking-Room and Lounge. Eminent Statesman discovered filling a pipe. Private Secretary in attendance.
Em. S. Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my lad, and have the tea and decanters in readiness when I ring for them. Enough chairs?
Pri. Sec. Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I thought if I got six that would be enough.
Em. S. Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in the Deputation.
[Private Secretary opens door, when enter several Workmen in their Sunday best, headed by Fussy M.P.
Fussy M.P. (with effusion). My dear Sir, this is a great pleasure. I hope I see you well. (Shakes the hand of Eminent Statesman with profuse cordiality.) And now, if you will allow me, I will introduce these Delegates. It would have pleased them better if they could have had an Autumn Session, but they are quite prepared to be satisfied with an interview, as it is in the Recess. (Speaking in the soft tones of the House at Westminster.) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It is my privilege as well as my duty—a most pleasant one—to introduce what I may aptly declare to be the most representative body of men it has ever been my good fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir—
Em. S. (interrupting). Thank you very much, but I fancy we can get on better by talking it over quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't mind, I will take off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves.
[Removes his coat.
Fussy. M.P. (taken aback). My dear Sir!
Members of the Deputation. Thankee, Sir! We'll follow suit.
[They remove their coats.
Em. S. Now you would like to smoke? Well, my Private Secretary will hand round cigars, cigarettes, and tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my house Liberty Hall. Well, tell me—what's it all about?
First Mem. of Dep. (pointing to Fussy M.P.) Why he said as how he would do all the speaking.
Em. S. Very likely, and do it (bowing to him) very well. But I would far rather that you should speak for yourselves. Come let us meet as old friends. Now—what do you want?
Second Mem. of Dep. Why, Sir, if you put it in that pleasant way, I may say, payment for hours of labour put in by some one else.
Em. S. Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how are you to manage it?
Third Mem. of Dep. (roughly). That's your business, and not ours. We tell you what we want, and you have to carry out our wishes.
Em. S. (smiling). You mean the wishes of your class—your order?
Second Mem. Well, that's about it. We do represent them. Why we are sent to you by over 100,000!
Em. S. And what is the full complement of your combined trades?
Second Mem. About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it.
Em. S. With it! Do with what?
First Mem. of Dep. Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir—what we require!
Em. S. (amiably). And that is—?
First Mem. of Dep. (triumphantly). Oh, you must tell us that! It is not our place, but yours—see?
Em. S. Not exactly. But will you not join me? (Offers cigarettes.) And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your work for you?
First Mem. of Dep. (puffing at the tobacco). Don't you think that could be done by the Government?
Em. S. I don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter. But you really must help me.
Second Mem. of Dep. (taken aback). But, I say, Sir, is this quite fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (pointing to the Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking.
Em. S. Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new. Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously?
Fourth Mem. Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are not accustomed to it. What does it all mean?
Em. S. I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing—nor can I. So now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in your undertakings. And now, farewell!
First Mem. Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye!
Em. S. Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [The Deputation leave. Eminent Statesman turns his attention to other matters with a smile of satisfaction.
"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"—Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last week. N.B.—Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the straight tip.