MIXED NOTIONS.—No. II. UGANDA.
Scene—As before, a Railway-carriage in a suburban morning train to London. Persons also as before—namely, two Well-informed Men, an Inquirer, and an Average Man.
First Well-informed Man (laying down his paper). So the Government's going to stick to Uganda, after all. I had a notion, from the beginning, they wouldn't be allowed to scuttle.
Average Man. Ah—I don't know that I'm particularly enthusiastic about Uganda.
Inquirer. Why not?
A. M. What are we going to get out of it?—that's the question. We go interfering all over the world, grabbing here, and grabbing there, merely in order to keep other people out; and then some nigger King, with a cold in his head, sneezes as he passes the Union Jack. That's an insult to the flag, of course; so off goes an expedition, and, before you know where you are, we've spent about ten millions, and added a few thousand acres of swamp to the Empire. Why can't we leave things alone? Haven't we got enough?
First W. I. M. That's all very well, I daresay; but you forget that the Berlin Conference made Uganda one of our spheres of influence.
Inquirer. When was that?
First W. I. M. Why, just after the Franco-Prussian War. They all met in Berlin to settle up everything—and we got Uganda.
Inquirer. I thought it was later than that, somehow.
First W. I. M. Well, anyhow, it was somewhere about that time. I don't pledge myself to a year or two. But what I say about Uganda is this. We're there—or rather the Company is—and we should simply disgrace ourselves before the whole world if we chucked up the sponge now. And, if we did, we should have France or Germany nipping in directly.
Second W. I. M. They can't.
First W. I. M. Why not?
Second W. I. M. Why not! Because it's our sphere of influence whatever happens.
Inquirer (timidly). I'm afraid you'll think me very ignorant, but I don't quite know what a "sphere of influence" is. I've read a lot about it lately, but I can't quite make it out.
Second W. I. M. (condescendingly). Yes, I know it's deuced difficult to keep up with these new notions, unless you're in the way of hearing all about them. Spheres of influence mean—well, don't you know, they mean some country that's not quite yours, but it's more yours than anybody else's, and if anybody else comes into it, you're allowed to make a protocol of it. Besides, it gives you a right to the Hinterland, you know.
Inquirer (dubiously). Ah, I see. What's the Hinterland?
Second W. I. M. (stumped). I fancy it's about the most fertile part of Africa. (To First W. I. M.) Isn't it?
First W. I. M. Yes, that's it. It's the German for Highlands.
Inquirer. Of course, so it is. I might have thought of that.
Average Man (to First W. I. M.). Seems to me you've none of you got hold of the right point. What I want to know is, does Uganda pay? Lugard says it don't; the Company hasn't made anything of it, and they've got to go whether they like it or not; though I daresay they're deuced glad to be out of the hole. But, if it don't pay, what on earth are we going to do with it?
Second W I. M. (triumphantly reinforcing him). Yes, what on earth are we to do with it?
First W. I. M. (calmly, but contemptuously). Ah! I see you're both little-England men. From your point of view, I daresay you're right enough. But I'm one of those who believe that we must stick on wherever we've planted the flag. I agree with Moltke, that the nation that gives up is in a state of decay.
Second W. I. M. It wasn't Moltke who said that; it was Victor Hugo, or (after a pause) Lord Palmerston.
First W. I. M. Well, it doesn't matter who said it. The point is, it's true. Besides, what are you going to do about the slaves and the Missionaries?
Average Man. Oh, bother the Missionaries!
First W. I. M. It's all very well to say "bother the Missionaries!" but that won't get you any further. They're our fellow-creatures after all, and what's more, they're our fellow-countrymen, so we've got to look after them.
Average Man. I should let the whole lot of Missionaries fight it out together. They only keep quarrelling amongst themselves, and trying to bag one another's converts; and then France and England get involved.
Inquirer. By the way, where is Uganda, exactly?
First W. I. M. Just behind Zanzibar—or somewhere about there. You can get to it best from Mashonaland. Didn't you see that Rhodes said he was going to make a telegraph-line through there? It used to belong to the Sultan of Zanzibar. Don't you remember?
Inquirer. Of course; so it did.
[Train draws up at Terminus.
