A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893.
(Published in Advance.)
January.—As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they manage things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and drafted them a treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with the courtesy of hidaljos, but refused with the paltry jealousy of a petty-fogging second-rate Power! What nasty pride! Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I took part in a Bull-fight."
February.—Opened Parliament and set things going, and then thought I might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. Had a chat with the Czar, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of "Home Rule." Czar polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every one has a right to his own opinions, still I think it would do. Czar didn't. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I lived for three days in the Mines of Siberia."
March.—Back to town for a few days, and then off again. Clark says travelling the best thing in the world for superfluous energy. Did China thoroughly. Drew up a plan for altering the language, manners, religions, politics, and customs of the Chinese. Brought it before a Special Committee of Mandarins; but they prevaricated, and practically shelved it. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article, "How I had a Boxing-match with the Emperor of China, and knocked his Majesty out of time."
April.—Things going on decently well at Westminster, so started for Turkey. Arranged Turkish Finance for the Grand Vizier. But that official distinctly an—well, not a wise man—said he would knock out a better budget himself. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "My Fortnight's Manoeuvres with the Bashi Bazouks."
May.—Dropped in at St. Stephen's, and put a few finishing touches to one or two measures, then away to Egypt. Sketched out a Republican form of Government for the Khedive. However, his Highness did not seem to see it. The Egyptians are very Conservative in their notions. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "A Fortnight in the Mahdi's Camp, by an Acquaintance of Osman Digna."
June.—Attended a couple of Cabinet Meetings, and then to America for a jaunt. Gave the President a carefully worked-out scheme for converting the Government of the United States into a Monarchy of limited liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure it would work. The Americans are sadly behind the age. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How to see the World's Fair at Chicago in Twenty Minutes, by One who has done it."
July.—Session nearly out. Took part in a debate or two and then off to the North Pole in a balloon. Managed to see a good deal of snow and ice, and fancy we caught a sight of the Pole itself. Sent home (by parachute) to one of my Magazines, "How I got within Measurable Distance of the Moon."
August.—Just back to Westminster for a couple of days to wind up the Session, then away to India. Went on my own responsibility to see the Ameer of Afghanistan. Drew up a treaty in draft to be signed by the Ameer and the Emperor of Russia, Czar was immensely pleased and wanted to make me Prince of Crim Tartary. Sent to one of my Magazines. "How I shot my first Wild Elephant."
September.—Returned to Hawarden for the inside of a week and then paid my hurried visit to Australia. Submitted to the Colonies a scheme for "A Federal Association for the encouragement of the Naturalisation of the Rabbit in Australasia." The proposal fell rather flat. Find the rabbit is already known in these places. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article entitled, "My Prize-fight with the Kangaroo, and how I won it."
October.—In London for a few days, then to Mexico. Saw the President, and suggested the revival of the Empire. President very rude; told me to mind my own business. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "A Week on the Prairies Buffalo lassooing."
November.—Popped in at Midlothian, and made a speech or two, and then hurried away to Norway and Sweden. Tried to induce them to give up their form of Home Rule, which, as all the world knows, has been a failure. Wanted them to take our Irish edition. They asked me "if it had been a success?" Stumped! Sent to one of my Magazines, "How to take a Photograph by Midnight Sunlight, by One who has done it."
December.—Obliged to stay at home, because I think we are going to change our Town-house. Downing Street most convenient, but question whether I shall be able to get a renewal of the lease next year. Sketched out the scenario of the Drury Lane Pantomime; but Sir Augustus prefers his own. Well, well, youth will have its way. Sent in my special article for Christmas and the New Year, "The History of the World, from the Earliest Times to the close of the Nineteenth Century, by One who has employed his leisure moments in its compilation." And here I may conclude, by wishing everybody "A Happy New Year."
