COSTS AS THEY ARE AND WILL BE.
(Two Scenes from a Farcical Tragedy showing that some of the Judges’ recommendations might be adopted immediately.)
THE PRESENT (as they are). SCENE—Solicitor’s Private Room. Solicitor awaiting wealthy Client. Clerk in attendance.
Solicitor. The lady is to be shown in the moment she arrives; and mind, I am not to be disturbed as long as she is here.
Clerk. Yes, Sir. [Exit.
Sol. Quite pleasant way of spending a morning. (Enter Client.) Ah, my dear lady, and how are you?
Client. Very well, thank you; but BOBBY is not so well, and as for MARY—
[Enters into long domestic details.
Sol. (in a sympathetic tone). Dear me! And what has given me the pleasure of seeing you here to-day?
Client. I only looked in to ask you how you thought our suit was going on?
Sol. Oh, capitally! You know, we have had several appointments before the Chief Clerk in Chambers, and—
[Enters into long explanation, bristling with technicalities.
Client (quite at sea). Dear me, what a complicated affair a Chancery suit is! I had no idea we should have to do all this. But won’t it be very expensive?
Sol. (smiling). Well, yes; but it will all be paid out of the estate. You, my dear lady, won’t have to pay anything for it—I mean out of your own pocket.
Client. Oh, that is delightful! Because you see with the carriages and the opera-box— And that reminds me, I think I shall give up the opera-box. Do you know last Season the music was magnificent, but quite too learned. I think— (Gives her views at great length upon the Opera, past, present and future. At the end of her remarks—) But how I do run on! I am afraid I am taking up your time.
Sol. Not at all. I have nothing particular to do, and our interview comes out of the estate. Now are you sure we can do nothing for you this morning? The last time you were here we got copies of all the orders for you. I hope you received them safely.
Client (laughing). Why, I do not think I have opened the packet! I came across a bundle the other day, and could not make out what it was, and laid it aside, because I saw your name upon it and thought it must have something to do with that troublesome Chancery suit.
Sol. (laughing). Well, my dear Madam, that parcel represented several pounds. However, it doesn’t matter; you won’t have to pay for it, as it will come out of the estate. And now, what can we do for you? Have you looked into the accounts carefully?
Client. No, and I am rather fond of figures.
Sol. Then we will send you a copy for, say, the last five years.
Client. Shall I be able to make them out?
Sol. You ought to be able to do so, my dear Madam. They will be prepared by a leading firm of Accountants, and we will check them ourselves before we send them to you. Is there anything else?
Client. No thanks—I think not. And now I must say good-bye. I am ashamed to take up so much of your valuable time.
Sol. Not at all. I shall be amply remunerated out of the estate. (Exit Client. Solicitor gives his Clerk the heads for six folios of a bill of costs, and then observes—) Not a bad morning’s work!
THE FUTURE (as they will be). SCENE—The Same. Solicitor and Clerk discovered.
Sol. Now mind, on no account is she to be admitted. She talks about all sorts of things and takes up my time dreadfully, and now the Court won’t pass “luxurious costs,” and objects to payment out of the estate, I can charge nothing. So mind, she is not to be admitted.
Clerk. Very good, Sir. [Exit.
Sol. Yes. At my very busiest time, when every moment is valuable! (Enter Client.) What you, my dear Madam! I really am too busy to attend to you this morning.
Client (astonished). Why you said you were always pleased to see me!
Sol. But that was before the Judges’ recommendations were adopted. Nowadays we must not let you run up costs until we have explained to you in writing what you are about. And as all you say will come out of your own pocket, and not out of the estate, it is only fair to warn you.
Client. What, out of my own pocket! Then I shall be off.
Sol. Sorry to give up our pleasant conversations, but they run into money. (Exit Client, when the Solicitor shakes his head to the Clerk who has brought his rough draft of costs, and to which nothing now can be legally added, and observes—) Not a good day’s work!
