WAS, IS, AND WILL BE.
(Three Periods of Biography.)
PAST (Historical).—General SIMEON SNOOKES was one of the greatest Commanders that ever figured in an European war. His defence of Herren-Bayoz, in 1796, will be long remembered by those of his grateful countrymen who feared that the Corsican upstart would get the upper hand in the semi-fraternal struggle in the Portugo-Hispanian Peninsula. A service nearly as important was performed when SNOOKES (then a Colonel), led the forlorn hope that gave PEGGE WELL BEY (the Turkish conqueror) into the grasping hands of the British Government. Yet still another victory was scored when Captain SNOOKES forced the gates of Ram and Mar, and brought the proud Earls of the Five Free Ports to their knees and their senses. That he should have received the freedom of the City of London was as it should have been, and it must have been gratifying to his sorrowing friends and relatives that Royalty itself should have been represented at his obsequies. His fame as a victorious General will never fade, and although his private life may have been uninteresting, his connection with the noble family of DE SCROGGYNS will for ever gain for him the respect of his fellow-countrymen.
PRESENT (Anecdotal).—General SNOOKES—better known in the last century as "SIMPLE SIMON"—was a most interesting personage. Of his military career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely commonplace, and void of incident. He was a petit maître—and numerous tales are told of his gallantry. On one occasion, meeting Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green at Turnham, he called attention to the fairness of the sunset. "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said the old beau, taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied the malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but never forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed H.R.H., "if the French invade us, you must look after Number One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt answer, "Number One Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote a little later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean SWIFT. "I propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said the simple one. "Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have a case of a Gulliver come to judgment!" Many other good stories are told of this General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage of the best-known people of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the National Defender. "Sic transit gloria," said some-one. "Mundi!" added the journalist.
FUTURE (Conjectural).—SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one knows who this person was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that he may have had some official connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller.
