MIXED NOTIONS—NO. IV. EGYPT.
Two Well-Informed Men, an Inquirer, and an Average Man, in suburban morning train to London.
First Well-Informed Man (reading his paper). Oh, I say, dash it, this'll never do. Here's this young Khedive of Egypt kicking up a shine, and dismissing British Ministers. We can't have that, you know.
Inquirer. What Ministers has he dismissed?
First W. I. M. Why, British Ministers,—at least (reading on) I mean Egyptian Ministers; that's to say, chaps whom we appointed.
Second W. I. M. Come, come, we couldn't appoint Egyptian Ministers, could we?
First W. I. M. Oh, it comes to exactly the same thing; they're appointed subject to our proviso (consulting paper), yes, subject to our veto, and then this little whipper-snapper goes and gives them the chuck. He'll jolly soon have to climb down off that.
Average Man. Gently! The young chap's King, after all, isn't he? I thought Kings might appoint or dismiss Ministers as they liked.
First W. I. M. Oh, rot! The Queen can't appoint her own Ministers. We all know that. They're appointed by the Prime Minister. Any fool knows that.
Inquirer. But who appoints the Prime Minister?
First W. I. M. He appoints himself, and tells the Queen he's done it. They all go and kiss hands and get their seals, or something of that sort.
Inquirer. Of course, of course. I forgot that. But how about these Egyptian beggars?
First W. I. M. The Khedive's had the cheek to dismiss the Ministry, and shove another lot in. I see Lord Cromer has been to the Palace to protest.
Inquirer. Lord Cromer! Who's he?
First W. I. M. My dear fellow, fancy not knowing that! Lord Cromer's our Ambassador at Cairo.
Second W. I. M. Oh, nonsense. There are no ambassadors at Cairo.
First W. I. M. Aren't there? Oh, indeed. Well, then perhaps you'll tell me what Lord Cromer is?
Second W. I. M. He's our Minister. That's what they call them.
Inquirer. Was it him the Khedive dismissed, then?
Second W. I. M. (laughing heartily). No, no; we haven't got to that yet. He dismissed his own Johnnies, of course; Egyptians. Lord Cromer's the English Minister.
Average Man. No, he isn't. He's the English Agent.
Second W. I. M. Oh, well, it's the same thing.
First W. I. M. (taking his revenge). No, it isn't at all the same thing; it's a very different thing. A Minister's only just short of an Ambassador, and an Agent (pauses)—well, he's something quite different. I don't think he gets as much pay for one thing, and of course he can't live in the Embassy.
Inquirer. But who does live in the Embassy, then?
First W. I. M. It's unoccupied, of course.
Average Man. No, it isn't. There isn't any Embassy at all. [A pause.
Inquirer (returning to the charge). But look here, who is Lord Cromer? I never heard of him before. I thought we'd got Baring or Rothschild, or somebody representing us in Egypt.
First W. I. M. (with smiling superiority). My dear chap, you're thinking of Sir Evelyn Baring. He left Egypt long ago.
Inquirer. Why did he leave?
First W. I. M. Old Gladstone gave him the sack.
Second W. I. M. No, he didn't. Gladstone wasn't in power when Baring left Egypt. It was Salisbury who dismissed him.
First W. I. M. I bet you a sov. it was Gladstone.
Second W. I. M. And I bet you a sov. it was Salisbury.
Average Man. You'll both lose. It was neither.
First W. I. M., Second W. I. M. (together). Bosh! That's impossible.
Average Man. It's a fact.
First W. I. M. (triumphant). Well, how do you account for his not being there now?
Average Man. He is there.
First W. I. M. He isn't. Lord Cromer's there. Here it is. (Producing Times.) "Lord Cromer has protested in person." So come!
Average Man. All right. I know all that. Only, unfortunately, they're one and the same person.
First W. I. M., Second W. I. M. (together). Oh, I daresay; and you think we're going to swallow that. You tell that to your Grandmother! [Both remain absolutely unconvinced.
Inquirer. But what's this about the French? What have they got to do with it?
Second W. I. M. Oh, they've got their fingers in every pie; always making mischief.
First W. I. M. Quite true; but they'll find we're going to sit tight in spite of them, so the sooner they cart themselves and their blessed old Pyramids out of the country the better.
Inquirer. Why should they take the Pyramids?
First W. I. M. Well, they built 'em, so I suppose they've got a right to do what they like with them.
Inquirer. Of course. [Terminus.
