THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM.
(For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been established.)
Question. What are the duties of a Porter?
Answer. To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible expedition.
Q. Is there any exception to that general rule?
A. Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the bestowal of a tip.
Q. How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, say, Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough.
A. By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!"
Q. If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a military-looking Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first claim his attention?
A. Why, of course, the Captain.
Q. What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment?
A. A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking both.
Q. What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk?
A. If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole to the other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take some time in finding the required amount of change. If the passenger is irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk can stop to explain, and remonstrate. In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the trains, a busy Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging outside the station.
Q. When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy?
A. When he happens to be in a bad temper.
Q. Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his superiors have any effect upon a Booking-Clerk?
A. Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either for Melbourne, Australia, or Timbuctoo.
Q. What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such circumstances?
A. To bear it either with or without a grin.
Q. Is there much point about a Pointsman?
A. Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours.
Q. And does his application of the break suggest anything?
A. Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion.
A Suggestion for Pantomime.—The good Fairy, Sir Druriolanus, triumphing over Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, the obstructionists. Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as Kate Nickleby's lunatic lover observed, "All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. Dan Leno and Campbell are doing great business just now. Vive Druriolanus Pantomimicus Imperator!
A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. Gladstone." What a contrast!
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