No. III.—PANAMA.
Scene, and persons as before—namely, two Well-informed Men, an Inquirer, and an Average Man, travelling up together in a suburban morning-train to London.
First Well-informed Man. Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more of them yesterday.
Second W. I. M. Yes—and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, Lampion told me all about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with it.
First W. I. M. And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man in France, that's what they want.
Average Man. I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.
First W. I. M. You can't bring Russia forward as an example.
Second W. I. M. Of course not. Russia don't count.
A. M. Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than the Czar; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is honeycombed with corruption. Why—(to First W. I. M.)—you were saying yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.
First W. I. M. Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different. Russia is a country per se.
Inquirer. I thought Russia was an Autocracy.
First W. I. M. It's the same thing.
Second W. I. M. (after a pause). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.
A. M. No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies. Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old Lesseps.
Inquirer. Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some years ago?
Second W. I. M. (smiling, and superior). Yes, the very same. He made the Suez Canal.
Inquirer. Of course—so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan for, wasn't it?
Second W. I. M. (dubiously). Well, it had something to do with it, of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (brightening) there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole business.
Inquirer. The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.
Second W. I. M. Why, don't you remember Arabi setting himself up against the Khedive? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old Arabi.
Inquirer. Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and the Mahdi, and all the rest of it. [A pause.
Inquirer (returning to the charge). I wonder why they called it the Panama Canal?
First W. I. M. Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.
Inquirer. Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a straw hat?
First W. I. M. (amazed). After a what?
Inquirer. After a straw hat.
First W. I. M. (calmly, but firmly). It isn't called after a straw hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.
Inquirer (dogged, and unconvinced). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a Panama hat last summer—and deuced expensive it was, too.
First W. I. M. My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.
Inquirer. Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do they want a Canal there for?
First W. I. M. Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience. Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go all the way round Cape What's-his-name—what is that blessed Cape's name?
Second W. I. M. (tentatively). Cape of Good Hope?
First W. I. M. No, no—they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that. Cape—Cape—why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!
Inquirer (brilliantly). Capricorn.
First W. I. M. Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and—(impotently concluding)—there we are!
Second W. I. M. Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.
First W. I. M. I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French couldn't do it.
Second W. I. M. Of course not.
[Terminus.
