ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, June 26.—Hardly knew House to-night. Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no fight in them. Little round at outset on Betterment principle. Members roughly and not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside. "In principle," said Philippe Egalité, "the Terrace is Better meant for this weather than the House." Mr. G. in his place, listening eagerly to speeches by Kimber, Fergusson, and other oratorical charmers. Generally believed that he had gone off to Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do here; Home-Rule debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime, might well be left to Minister in charge.
"The fact is, Toby," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the pleasurable surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think of making a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when I got up this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees, they irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and the pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from the glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless I grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might have been said of me, in the words of the poet,
Although my body's down at Hatchlands
My soul has gone aloft——
to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and every day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight months. This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But then House doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to seaside, or somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of these things, couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up, drove off, and here I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you fellows grudge me a little enjoyment; but shall at least begin evening pleasantly. Shall vote in division on Betterment question, and make statement on arrangements for Indian Currency."
Business done.—Some votes in Navy Estimates.
Tuesday.—Campbell-Bannerman and W. Woodall, V.C., the Casabiancas of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all but they have fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army Estimates; and when there's anything like a lull get up and say few words. Whole proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions. Major-General Hanbury prances to front, reviews British forces under present Administration, finds many buttons loose, and numerous gaiters askew. Opportunity useful for showing that this Eminent Legislator has not given up entirely to Home Rule what was meant for mankind. Omniscience Hanbury's forte; Army Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains enough to officer the army at Monaco.
There's Webster of East St. Pancras for example. The few Members present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few observations on War Office management. What did he do in this galley? Well known that in interval of revising his popular Dictionary he trifles with the law. Might, in course of time, come to be Lord Chancellor; but never Field Marshal. That only shows how limited is current information, how true the observation that the world knows nothing of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen years Webster served with distinction in the Third Battalion South Lancashire Regiment! Under his civilian waistcoat to this day he coyly hides the bronze medal for Blameless Conduct.
That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not only natural, but, in national interests, imperatively desirable. Hanbury's case quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, nor the division of a battle knows more than Alpheus Cleophas. Yet Alpheus Cleophas is not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when Army Estimates are to the fore.
Business done.—Army Estimates in Committee.
Friday, 4 A.M.—Came upon Nussey an hour ago putting himself to bed on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this Nussey?" cried Wilfred Lawson, whose aptitude for dropping into poetry beats Silas Wegg hollow. It certainly was Nussey yesterday afternoon, and this is what is left of him in the sunshine of a summer morning.
"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of my proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be made into an all-night Nussey. All very well to grow gradually into that state of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock rule, and getting off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge straight in like this is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer fresh from country. I suppose, from look of it, that it is only beginning of things. An all-night Nussey to-day; a weekly Nussey before parched July has wet its lips; and so on, till I become a monthly Nussey. Very kind of you to come and see me, but if you don't mind, I'll just drop off to sleep. Put the Amendments to the Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and I'll take a look at them when I feel dispoged."
A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises. Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. Prince Arthur followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point. After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but persistent, for next four hours. Napoleon Boltonparty, getting on board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and down on washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked defiantly at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow! Moscow!" mingled with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!" N. B. shook his golden lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into the Tory harbour.
Joey C. turned up after early dinner, and the waters were speedily lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of Napoleon Boltonparty, Joseph threw off all mask of deference to former leader. Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict, Joey C. has been sly, dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his "right hon. friend." To-night he went for him, just as in days not so very far off good Conservatives like Grandolph, amid thunderous Tory cheers, used to gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I admire the artful——" Here he paused, and looked down with bitter smile on the apparently sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury Bench. Five hundred lips in the listening throng involuntarily formed the syllables in familiar conjunction with the adjective. No, not yet. At present pace of progression "dodger" may come. To-night Joseph content, having gained the desired effect, to conclude the sentence with the words "——minister who drew up this resolution."
At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G., having been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon, had carried his more than four score years off to bed. Squire of Malwood thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare the Prime Minister further vigil. Joseph up like catapult. "Perfectly absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of name and age of Prime Minister."
"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this night," said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the treacly farce which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the title 'right hon. friend.'"
Business done.—Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first Amendment to Closure Resolution.
Friday.—Having got away late last night, made up for it by coming back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more fight left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer night; everything over by seven o'clock.
Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human mind is habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking men in House than Bartley and Tomlinson. To be in their company is to receive a liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, Bill, them coves ain't been up to much good."
Business done.—Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed up in compartments, to be opened as directed.
GOOD NEWS!
'Arry. "'Taint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know, Guv'nor! Me and my Pals must 'ave our 'D'y out'!"
Foreign Fellow-Traveller. "Aha! Die out! You go to Die out? Mon Dieu! I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!"
Coming Events at the Lyceum.—With the exception of Becket, the part of Shylock is Henry Irving's most powerfully striking impersonation, and certainly Ellen Terry is at her best as Portia. It is played once again this month before our Henry's departure for America, and should not be missed by any genuine lover of Shakspeare and of true dramatic art. À propos of this, a certain excellent lady, whose name, beginning with R, is not absolutely unknown to Mr. Punch, asked this question:—"Isn't there some character in one of Shakspeare's plays called 'Skylark'?" Then, as she proceeded to give a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned upon the listeners that the Merchant of Venice was the person of whom she was thinking.
"Memoria Tecknica." July 1.
"O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred,
Each point of discipline I've still observed;
Of service, to the rank of Major-General
Have risen; assist thy votary now!"
The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2.
A Few Bars Rest.—According to the Globe the Cavalier Robert Stagno, a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery. What was it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth two fivers, and 'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report requires confirmation, as it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so low and do anything so base.
Mrs. R. on Music.—Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur musician, read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's Hall—"Sarasate will play Suite No. 2." His excellent relative, who is not well up in such matters, interrupted him with—"Ah! I should like to hear Miss Sarah Sarty play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it has something to do with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation was necessary.
| Transcriber's Note: Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained. Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'. "'But 'twas a splendid victory!'" (The original text of the error, and a translation of the well-known Latin quotation in the first paragraph on the first page, and a note on page 6 have been provided in mouseover tooltips marked by dashed underlines. Scroll the mouse over the word and the text will appear.) |