A STUDY IN PRESS-LAND.
(An Actuality, in one short Scene, at the service of the Institute of Journalists.)
Scene—An Editor's Room. Editor discovered in conversation with Would-be Reporter.
Editor (preparing to resume his work). Well, from all you tell me, I imagine you must be a most accomplished person.
Would-be Reporter (smiling). Well, I believe I am up to the standard required by the Institute of Journalists. My classics are fairly good, but I do not know as much as I should of mixed mathematics. However, I took a double first at Oxford; but then I had a particularly easy year. All the men against me were practically duffers.
Ed. (slightly interested). Do you know anything of modern languages?
W.-be Rep. Well, yes. I can speak and write European in all its branches, including Swedish and Norwegian patois, and the argot used on the borders of Turkey and Greece. I am fairly well up in Chinese, but have only a general idea of the grammar of Afghanistan. But I may add that I am spending four hours a day in completing this part of my training.
Ed. I think you said that you have passed in engineering, orchestra-playing, astronomy, naval and military tactics, and the history of the world, and the other components of the planetary system?
W.-be Rep. Certainly; I have in every way (save that I have still to pass in Roman Law) satisfied the requirements of the Institute of Journalists. I am all but qualified for the reception of an Associate's degree.
Ed. (with a view to closing the interview). Very well, then; we shall be glad to use anything you may be good enough to send us—of course, at the customary rate.
W.-be Rep. (gratefully). A thousand thanks. I know; three-half-pence a line, with a minimum of three shillings.
Ed. Precisely. (Taking up his pen.) And now, as my Sub-editor told me that there was a fire somewhere in the neighbourhood, you had better look after it.
W.-be Rep. Thank you so much. But as I have forgotten to bring my reporter's-book, perhaps you will kindly lend me some copy-paper?
Ed. Certainly; you will find some in that corner. (He approaches speaking-tube, to which he has been summoned by a whistle.) Ah! You need not trouble after the fire, for I find we have already received a report from someone on the spot.
W.-be Rep. (in a tone of disappointment). What a bore! just as I was going to report it myself! However, better luck next time.
Ed. (courteously). I hope so; good morning. (Exit Would-be Reporter.) What a nuisance these fellows are! Highly educated, of course, and all that sort of thing; but I am not sure that the rough-and-ready school was not the better.
W.-be Rep. (re-entering hurriedly). My good Sir! Fancy! the man who has sent you the report of the local fire was educated at a small grammar-school, and never even entered a university!
Ed. Well, what of that?
W.-be Rep. (surprised). You surely won't use his copy?
Ed. (decisively). I surely shall. First come, first served. And now you must allow me. (Returns to his work, to the surprise and disgust of Would-be Reporter. Curtain.)