THE FOOL'S VADE MECUM.
(Excerpts from a Handbook for the Majority.)
If you have reason to suspect a gun of being unloaded, make sure by firing at your friend's head.
If you find Him and Her tête-à-tête, join the little party. This will show a sympathetic nature, and take all the awkwardness out of the situation.
If you are a woman, always flop down in a smoking-carriage, without noticing the obvious label and the looks of the occupants. When made aware of the situation, say, "Oh, I don't mind smoking," and consider the question solved.
If a man, select carefully a compartment in which Two Young People are ostentatiously trying to look as if they don't find their own company quite sufficient for a journey of any duration.
If you are hurrying for a train, and want an easy, always slacken just as you catch another person up, and walk close behind him, panting and puffing till you are ready for another spurt.
Always read, or recite, your compositions to your friends. Believe them when they protest they would really like you to do so.
Engage in serious argument with a woman with whom you wish to be on really good terms—a rich relation for choice.
Always curse the waiters if the cook has failed in his treatment of your chop or steak.
Always act contrary to the directions in crowded places of public interest. This shows an imperial spirit, and will make you, for the time, an object of general interest.
Always stay to the very end on any occasion when you have been invited at the last moment.
Always talk loud, and, as far as possible, always talk about yourself.
From a Correspondent.—"Sir,—Seeing the advertisement of a book entitled Poets on Poets, I should much like to know what has become of a once much-quoted work entitled Pelion on Ossa? Who was 'Pelion'? and what did 'Ossa' write?—Yours, T. Noodelle."