TO HANWELLIA FROM EARLSWOOD.
["In my time at Eton it was the custom with one's tutor to supply us with what was disrespectfully called 'nonsense' material for some suggested theme."—James Payn, in "Our Note-Book" in "The Illustrated London News.">[
Will you follow where the Bandicoots inevitably stray,
As they amorously hurtle through the stubble and the hay;
Where the Jebusites and Amorites are gathered in a bunch,
While they watch the duck-billed Platypus preparing for his lunch?
Where the toothsome Trichinopli keeps turning on the spit—
Oh my dove-like Trichinopoli, how hard you are to hit!
There is something so elusive and desserting in your shape,
That I had to shoot you sitting and to load my gun with grape.
Though the Mandrake give you goose-skin by its inharmonious shriek,
And a tug of war come thenning after Greek has met with Greek;
I will stay at home and see the giddy milkman fill his pail
For an orchestra of Clepsydras conducted by a Snail.
And it's oh to be a Manatee—I think I shall be soon—
Riding coffee-coloured Dolphins on the snaffle (or bridoon).
With his Barnacles and Biffin-boys belaying in the sea,
He has always eggs at breakfast, has the merry Manatee.
Can you see me then subsiding very stately very sly,
Like a soluble quadratic which has lost its x and y.
Getting out my rusty rapier and dissecting with a lunge
All the daffodils and daisies that I grow upon my sponge?
Can you see me on a tram-car, while I stand upon my head,
Shredding out the scarlet runners which no publisher has read,
In a horse-case predetermined by a puisne-judge alone,
Who is tired of seeing juries with a rider of their own?
If the dactyls and the spondees should eventually pall,
You can call on Miss Caesura and conduct her to a ball.
You can feed the girl on trochees, and of course you can propose,
If hexameters delight you when recited through the nose.
Happy days, how soon ye falter; can a Bachelor have bliss?
Can a contrapuntal Bulbul woo her lover with a kiss?
Can a Scotsman get protection for his philibeg and trews
By dictating half a column to the Illustrated News?
Can a Bumble-bee be cheerful if related to a Mouse
Which has left its cheesy larder and been captured by a Grouse?
Can a man-of-war be manly, can a gum-boil stick like glue?
Can accounts be cooked with "stumers," and converted into stew?
Nay, I fly from all these problems; I am fortunately deaf
To the fascinating music of the careful Q. E. F.,
Nor can theorems allure me, never, never will I be
Mathematically married to a vulgar Q. E. D.
But at home I'll sit and linger by the soft September fire,
While I toast my feet and rack them by particular desire.
And I'll illustrate my meaning (penny coloured, twopence plain)
Drawing gaily on the "Note Book" of my old friend Jimmy Payn.
Mad as a Hatter.—The Drapery World says that "the New Woman's hat" is much like the Ordinary Man's "topper," only a little smaller, and a little more cheeky. The phrase might fitly be transferred to the "New Woman" herself. She looks so much like an ordinary man, only a little smaller and a little more cheeky. By the way, is there much difference between "the New Woman's hat" and the woman's new hat? The query would make a good one for a French Exercise Book.