ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday Night, February 25.—Glasgae setting its house in order. Local authorities have drafted Bill regulating domestic institutions. One of a class that come regularly to Westminster. House knows nothing of particulars, but is final arbiter. This Bill, like many others of same kind, would have passed without notice, if lynx eye of Jemmy Lowther had not chanced to fall upon it. Horrified to discover its many infringements of personal liberty. Glasgae bailies well known for what Asquith would call their "almost convulsive" purity. Only the other day they sternly repressed artistic enterprise whose development was unaccompanied by what they regard as adequacy of clothing. In this Bill they leave nothing untouched.
Happily, whustling on the Sabbath is a crime long ago stamped out on the banks of the Clyde. But there are other habits indigenous to headlong youth which Glasgae is determined to put down. Boys have been known, for example, unlawfully to run behind a tramcar, following up the vehicle with felonious intent of obtaining a free ride, probably in the opposite way they were going when they met the conveyance, and were attracted by the opportunity furnished by the conductor collecting fares on the roof. They would be well advised, after the Glasgae Corporation Police Bill is passed, to forego that delirious delight. As Cross, apologetically presenting himself as Glasgae citizen and Glasgae Member, put it, if the Bill passed, no cat could catch a mouse, no dog might worry a rat in Glasgae, without being subject to a penalty of forty shillings. A similar fine awaits a man upon conviction of having exposed to public view a leg of mutton, unless it be decently draped.
Effect of Bill upon Caldwell a little painful to Members sitting near him. Lashed himself into appalling fury. Desiring, with national economic instinct, to make one effort simultaneously serve two purposes, he pitched his voice in a key upon which, whilst ostensibly addressed to Speaker in Chair, it might be heard in Glasgae. Something weird-looking about Caldwell when he thus from his seat in House of Commons whispers in ear of constituents in far-off Lanark. The startled stranger crossing Palace Yard and hearing the voice grow more thundrous as he advances, pictures to himself a man in a towering rage. Reaching House he will find upright behind Treasury Bench a man decently dressed in black, without the slightest flash of expression on his face, roaring with volume of sound that would cause to blush any stray bull of Bashan meditatively making its way down Sauciehall Street, pricking up its ears at the reverberation brought northward across the timorous Tweed.
As Cawmel-Bannerman, suffering on the bench below, observed, "It really doesn't seem fair that a man should, with perfectly placid face and mien, continuously roar in this fashion. If he were in Glasgae under this Police Bill, he would immediately be wrapped up in a decent cloth and fined forty shillings."
Business done.—Asquith moves for leave to bring in Welsh Disestablishment Bill. "Sheer political cant of the most nauseous kind," was Hicks-Beach's genial description of Home Secretary's argument.
Tuesday.—"The world," said Chesney, speaking just now in debate on Everett's motion, "is divided into two classes, people who understand the subject, and people who do not. The former are all bimetallist, the latter are gradually going over."
I fancy I must be going over; certainly I don't understand the subject. Thankful, therefore, for opportunity to hear Everett discourse on it. A tall, grave-looking man, with a touch of sadness suggestive of long brooding over bimetallic theories. In fullness of design to instruct House, went back all the way to Julius Cæsar. Finally arrived in Garden of Eden; recalled fact that originally, in time of primeval peace and prosperity, two people walked in it. This principle of duality ran through everything. "There are, for example," said Everett, swinging his pince-nez between finger and thumb in convincing manner, "white corn and red corn, white grapes and black grapes." ("White sand and grey sand," hummed Wilfrid Lawson, waking up out of sleep.) "Nature has given to each of us two eyes for the common purpose of sight, two ears to hear withal, two hands and two legs." ("What about the Isle of Man?" asked Rochfort Maguire. "Understand they have three legs there.")
"We are created in two sexes," Everett continued, half closing his eyes and paying no attention to the voice of the scorner; "whose highest purpose is fulfilled only when they are married."
Here he opened his eyes and glanced significantly at Maguire. Rochfort blushed. Wished he hadn't interfered.
These arguments, new in controversy of long standing, proved surprisingly conclusive. Squire of Malwood spoke for hour and a half, vehemently declaring that he would have nothing to do with bimetallism, would not touch it with a pair of tongs.
"Sorry to interrupt the right hon. gentleman," said Everett; "but he has just alluded to another instance of the infinitude of the principle of duality. Did any hon. Member ever see a tong? No, always a pair. Toujours two, as the French say."
Squire finished up by announcing he would accept Everett's amendment, though most careful to protest that it really meant nothing, least of all approval of the heresy of bimetallism.
"You may say what you please," said Courtney; "so long as you take our resolution."
Then the bimetallists jubilantly went home arm in arm.
"Arm in arm, of course," said Everett, driving off in a pair-wheeled hansom. "Still another illustration of the irresistible, illimitable principle of duality. Wish, by the way, I'd mentioned when on the subject that the result of marriage is occasionally twins. One of those things—or should I say two of those things?—a fellow always thinks of on the staircase."
Business done.—Squire of Malwood, swearing he would ne'er consent to bimetallism, consented to adopt resolution put forward by bimetallists.
Friday, 2 a.m.—Few people know, even suspect, what takes place here when we have a "nicht wi' Burns," or rather an early morning. Not known, because few Southerners remain to witness orgie: no English paper reports it. According to beneficent Standing Order, ordinary debate stands adjourned at midnight. Members go home, whether work in hand accomplished or not. One curious exception to rule. Scotch Members, accustomed to get a little more for their money than other sections of community, managed to carry amendment whereby matters relating to educational affairs North of the Tweed may be discussed all night if necessary. Accordingly, from time to time, when ordinary business of sitting wound up, Scotch Members clan together and make a night of it.
Happened just now. At midnight Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in; Members troop off leaving what Jokim irreverently calls "a Pict selection of Scots." Business on hand related to Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. So it appears on Order. First business actually is to bring in the haggis. Macfarlane told off for this duty, because he's only member who, being resident in London, has his kilt handy. Also there is a subtle, inexpressed feeling that his flowing beard (when it can be kept out of the haggis-dish) gives a bardic appearance to ceremony. Dr. Farquharson preceeds him with bagpipes, which seemed to-night to have just a slight touch of influenza. Caldwell brews a peck o' maut; "Cald without" they call it, in spite of the rising steam and the stirred-up sugar. But a Scotchman, as Donald Currie admits, is not to be done out of a joke on account of a few awkward details in the way of matters of fact. No pipes are allowed except those in Fahquharson's hands, but they manage to face deprivation, and have, on the whole, a merry evening. Joining hands round table, on which lay the astonished Mace, we sang "Auld Lang Syne" just now, and so home to bed.
Don't quite know what became of the Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. Fancy we repealed it. Business done (earlier in sitting).—Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in.
Friday, Midnight.—Best day's work since Session opened. At morning sitting Asquith moved for leave to bring in two important measures, and got it. If things go on at this rate Home Secretary will soon be known as Ask-with-Success. At night useful discussion on Post Office contract with Telephone Company. When Sage of Queen Anne's Gate interposed everybody thought he was going to show that all the evil dilated upon came from having Premier in the House of Lords. Didn't even mention Rosebery, unless he meant to include him in condemnation of "financiers and other disreputable persons."
Business done.—Bills brought in to Amend Factories and Workshop Act and Truck Acts.
