THE SCAPEGOAT.
"And what do you do with yourself on your half-holidays?"
I had taken courage to address the office-boy who keeps his eye on me while I wait humbly in the vestibule of my Financial Adviser.
"Pitchers," he replied affably.
"I beg your pardon," I said.
"Movin' pitchers," he explained; and I knew that the cinema had another slave.
And this too I knew, that a youth who breathed, as he did, the pure atmosphere of High Finance, would never commit a crime and blame the pitchers for it, as so many of our young criminals do. So many, in fact, that in my mind's eye I see the following reports in the papers:—
A boy of five was brought yesterday before the Darlington Bench charged with the bombardment of a street. Evidence showed that the prisoner established a machine-gun in the back garden of his father's house and systematically fired it at his neighbours' walls, doing considerable damage. The boy pleaded guilty, but explained that he had been to see some war-pictures at the cinema. The magistrate ordered the cinema to be kept under observation, and awarded the boy a shilling from the poor-box.
A girl of eight was charged at the Guildhall with causing an obstruction. Evidence was to the effect that she stood in the middle of Cheapside holding out her hands and a block resulted which disorganised the traffic for some hours. The child's excuse was that she had been witnessing the Lord Mayor's Show at the cinema.
"The pictures again!" exclaimed the magistrate. "When will this nuisance be stopped?"
Two boys of seven were charged at the Thames Police Court yesterday with kidnapping a young lady. Evidence showed that on the evening before, they first obtained possession of a motor car from the window of a shop in Long Acre, drove it at a great pace (one constable said forty miles an hour, and another sixty-one) to a house in Park Lane, where, while one boy remained outside, the other drew a revolver and forced the resident heiress into the car. At this point they were arrested. The boys said that they were very sorry, but that the spectacle of an abduction romance on the films had been too strong for them.
The magistrate: "What is the cinema censor about? Nothing is more deplorable than that the imaginations of young boys should be excited by these lurid dramas." The boys were discharged.
Three boys of six, seven and eight respectively were charged at Sheffield with stealing a railway train. It appears that while the driver of a Scotch excursion, which was in a siding, was oiling the wheels, the three boys sprang to the footboard and started the train. The driver pursued it, but was at once shot by one of the boys, who was armed to the teeth with pea-shooters. Asked to explain their conduct the boys said that they had seen so many train robberies on the local cinemas that they felt bound to do something in that line themselves. The magistrate said he did not wonder, and directed that the proprietors of the cinemas should have their licence cancelled.
Three men of criminal appearance, against whom previous convictions were proved, who were charged at Vine Street with pocket picking, explained that it was entirely due to the effect produced upon them by Oliver Twist on the cinema. The magistrate dismissed the prisoners and ordered the cinema to be closed.
ECONOMY.
McTavish (to convalescent soldier). "I was hearin' ye had a bullet in ye yet. Are ye no gawn ta hae it taen oot?"
Soldier. "No the noo. Ye see, I'll be gawn back tae the fr-ront in a wee while, an' when I come back I'll just hae them a' oot thegither!"
From a speech reported in the Widnes Gazette:—
"The character of this little nation is now what it was when Julius Cesar wrote 'De tous les peuples de la Gaule les Belges sont les plus braves.'"
It was in the same spirit of compliment to the country he was invading that Hannibal wrote "Longa est via ad Tipperariam" as he began to slide down the Alps.
"Mrs. Francis M. Cunliffe, writes from Southport:—To the unknown person or persons that sent three body belts. I beg to thank you most sincerely for your generous gift to the 9th (Reserve) Battalion Manchester Regiment. It will add greatly to the comfort of four men, and will be much appreciated by them."—Ashton-under-Lyne Reporter.
With three-quarters of a body-belt apiece they should do splendidly.
A French interpreter with the Expeditionary Force sends us the following notice which he saw, he says, on the office door of the A.S.C.:—
"The waiter is not allowed to be drunk unless boiled before."
But boiling before is not really so good as a cold douche after.
The following directions for the right use of the "Snapseal Patent" are printed inside the pass-book envelopes issued by Lloyds Bank:—
"First wet the gum, then insert the tongue into lock and draw until you hear it snap."
After doing this once you may prefer to let your tongue, after it has wetted the gum, return to its usual position within the mouth.