CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.
I.
Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs, who imagined himself to be a master of strong language.
Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs
Prided himself on dreadful swears,
And half the night and all the day
He thought of frightful things to say.
On his recruits in serried squad
He'd work them off; he said, "You clod!"
"You put!" "You closhy put!" (a curse he
Got from The Everlasting Mercy,
Which shows one can't take care enough,
Not knowing who may read one's stuff).
With joy he saw his victims quiver,
With wicked joy beheld them shiver.
Six stretchers in attendance waited
To carry off the men he slated.
But early in the War there came
A squad of men of rowing fame.
With them, his choicest oaths he found
Fell upon bored and barren ground.
He lavished all his hoard, full tale;
They did not blench, they did not quail.
His plethora of plums he spilt;
They did not wince, they did not wilt.
Poor fellow! As they left him there,
He heard one beardless boy declare,
"Jove! what a milk-and-water chap!
I thought non-coms. had oaths on tap."
Another said, "We'd soon be fit
If we were only cursed a bit!"
Sergt.-Instructor George Bellairs,
He stands and stares, and stares and stares;
Then (he who late so freely cursed)
Tried to express himself and—burst!
Sergeant. "PUT YOUR THUMBS DOWN BEHIND THE SEAMS OF YOUR TROUSERS, NUMBER SIX! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THE SEAMS OF YOUR TROUSERS ARE PUT THERE FOR?"
Spring Fashions for Men.
"Lord ——, who managed to be present, wore a festive air with a button-hole of lilies of the valley."—Ramsey Courier.
"LOST, between Huddersfield and Saddleworth, on the 7th inst, Two Swing Doors."—Provincial Paper.
What became of the rest of the storey?
The SULTAN has presented the GERMAN KAISER with a sword of honour—"Same I massacred the Armenians," as Rawdon Crawley would have said.
"The launching of the first great Allied offensive of this year has fallen at such a time in the week that it is unfortunately impossible to deal with it at all thoroughly in the present number."—Land and Water.
Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ought to be more considerate.