OVER-WEIGHT.
Scene: A London Terminus.
Porter (with an air of finality). It weighs 'undred-and-four pounds. You can't take it, mum.
Lady Traveller. Oh, I must take it.
[Porter is obliged by an irritation of the head to remove his cap, but does not speak.
Lady Traveller. It's all right. I know the manager of the line, and he would pass it for me.
Her Friend. Isn't your friend manager of the Great Southern?
Lady Traveller (sharply). He has a great deal to do with all these railways now. (To Porter, hopefully, but not very confidently) That will be all right.
Porter. Very sorry, mum. It can't be done.
Lady Traveller. My friend the manager would be very much annoyed at my being stopped like this. Only four pounds, too. Why, it's nothing.
[Porter removes his cap again on account of further irritation.
Lady Traveller (to her Friend). I don't know what I'm to do. (To Porter) What am I to do?
Porter (deliberately). You must open it and take somethink out.
Lady Traveller. I can't open it here.
Porter (ignoring this). Somethink weighing a bit over four pounds.
Lady Traveller. But I can't do it here.
Porter (ignoring this). Pair o' boots or somethink.
Lady Traveller (to her Friend). He seems to think my boots weigh four pounds.
Her Friend. Haven't you got two pairs?
Lady Traveller (sourly). Yes, but two pairs of my boots wouldn't weigh four pounds.
Porter (who has been quietly undoing the straps). Is it locked, mum?
Lady Traveller (producing key and almost in tears). It's too bad.
[She dives into box and extracts two pairs of boots wrapped in newspapers.
Porter (taking them and weighing them judiciously in his hands). That's all right, mum.
[He pushes box on to weighing machine which registers under 100 lbs.
Lady Traveller. They're very thick boots, of course. Whatever am I to do with them now?
Her Friend. We shall have to carry them. [Takes one parcel.
Lady Traveller. Jane shall hear of this. I told her never to use newspaper for packing.
Her Friend (suddenly). There's Major Merriman.
Lady Traveller. So it is. Don't let him see us with these dreadful parcels. (Angrily) Why don't you turn round? He'll see you.
Major Merriman. How do you do?
Lady Traveller (in great surprise). Oh, how do you do, Major Merriman? We've been having such an amusing experience, etc., etc.
What made Lord Devonport Dizzy.
"The following resolution was unanimously passed, and ordered to be sent to the Prime Minister and the Food Controller (Lord Beaconsfield)."—The Western Gazette.
"Lamp-posts and trees and other pedestrians were found with unpleasant and sometimes violent frequency."—Beckenham Journal.
That's the worst of a fog; landmarks will keep on walking about.
À propos of the TSAR'S manifesto:—
"The Retch, says: 'The order puts the dot on all the "t's. " ' " —Provincial Paper.
It is a far, far better thing to dot your "t's" than cross your "i's."
