FOR AMERICAN CONSUMPTION.
I am the White House typewriter!
I am the Voice of the People
And then some!
I speak, and the Western Hemisphere attends,
All except Mexico and WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN,
Who has a megaphone of his own.
I am the soul of a great free people!
Hence the vers libre
Which breathes the spirit of Democracy
Because anybody can do it.
Who secured a second term of office for my master, President WILSON?
Was it the War or OSWALD GARRISON VILLARD or General HARRISON GRAY OTIS?
It was not.
It was I!
Though the others helped, especially Gen. OTIS.
I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as useless as Senator WORKS,
But as my master only works me with one thumb
(For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away)
I do very nicely.
And when it comes to throwing the bull
I am the real Peruvian doughnuts.
I was new once, but obscure,
Wasting my freshness on a Life of Jefferson (extinct)
And a History of the United States,
Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate
Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial newspapers
Along with Dainty Diapers and Why I Love the Movies, by MARY PICKFORD.
I am the Defender of Liberties!
Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again;
Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British Navy threatened to interfere with business.
Next to Mr. LANSING,
Who is said to use a Blickensderfer,
I am the hottest little protester in Protestville,
And in consequence nobody loves me,
Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST;
Nor even The Spectator,
Which never did like Democrats, anyway.
But now I am the Harbinger of Peace
By special request.
Imperial Germany,
Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled potatoes,
Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter annihilation,
And the prayer is echoed
By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals.
So my keys tap out the glad message
Of friendship for all and trouble for none.
I ask them what they are fighting about,
And if it is really true that Belgium has been invaded,
And propose that we should all get together and talk it over
Nice and quietly over tea and muffins
And away from all the nasty blood and noise.
Thus I address them,
And humane Germany
Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply with my request;
But the stiff-necked Entente,
With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the LINCOLN person at his worst,
Merely utter joint and several sentiments
The substance and effect of which appear to be
"Nix!"
ALGOL.
Bill (coming to after a shell has hit his dug-out). "HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?"
William. "OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL."
Bill. "WHAT DO YOU CALL A 'GOODISH BIT,' WILLIAM?"
William. "WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL."
Bill. "WELL, WHAT'S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL? IS IT SNOW OR DAISIES?"