ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones minimus, he was so gloomy.
He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. Jimmy had to tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones minimus be?
Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it, he told Jimmy.
It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it was because of the compound interest someone invented.
Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing his pig. Jimmy says it wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going into gardens and relishing things. It is a very good relisher, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home circles; but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its way.
You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on its back.
Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at sight next time.
Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put butter on its feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus suddenly remembered. He had put the War Loan in his algebra book and left it in Jimmy's garden. Jimmy says it was a good thing they went back when they did, because when he got home he found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy suspecting a chimney-sweep of being a spy; he had done it to the chimney-sweep's trousers, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises with his brush at Faithful and working his black face at him.
Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a prize bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on guard, and in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is it?"
Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the chimney-sweep's face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy that he was travelling the country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy said that they had already had theirs swept, because a cat got in their dining-room and Jimmy had put in his bloodhound to tell it to go out.
Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but couldn't find it, and they were just giving up in despair when they heard Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his kennel, and there it was.
Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was busy solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War Loan.
Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they took the algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him back again, as he said it was no good to him, and perhaps Faithful would find out how to catch another German spy, or else how to make up the War Loan to 15s. 6d.
Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way he tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones minimus's mouth water.
Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just beginning to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there was the milkman's pig calmly standing in the garden next door, looking at him through the hedge and actually munching a piece of coal at him.
Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like anything, and when the pig began flapping his ears at him old Faithful had to go right into the far corner of his kennel and nurse his wrath.
Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in a very short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when Jones minimus and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out Faithful at him. Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and walked round the garden sampling things and inquiring into them.
Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the pig saw him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought he was chasing the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing Faithful, and they did it in a ring on the lawn.
Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves up, because the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and scratched his back at Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept smelling the ground like anything.
Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some places, but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came out and accused it of being there.
Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a lake it always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But the man hadn't got a lake, he had only got an ornamental fountain, and the pig had already scratched that over with its back. The pig seemed very uneasy about its back, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he would remove the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden in five minutes.
Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he thinks it must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very much surprised at Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and get to bed.
Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both squeezed through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the pig's ear, and then they both went down the road, Faithful leading by about a yard, and looking behind him with both eyes to make sure the pig was following him. Jimmy says his bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the pig stopped to smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in the gutter old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly back and deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, Jimmy says. There they stood in silent contest for about five seconds, each trying to bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand the strain no longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, actually rushed into the garden of the man who had promised to shoot it at sight next time.
Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden until the man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off tulips and browsed on some early peas and was making a regular meatless day of it, and then the man came rushing out with his gun.
Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, because the man was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking about things and aiming his gun at the pig, and the pig kept running round and round and getting mixed up with Faithful. Then just as Jimmy was expecting the gun to go off the chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from the back part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and walked right into the middle of it all.
Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his double-barrelled gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and there was the chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, shouting "Kamerad!" as hard as he could.
Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's bloodhound had actually made up the War Loan to 15s. 6d., and caught a German spy at the same time, with nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course Jimmy knew how old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what a really prize bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous equations, of course.
"Scheinboden, who is very well known as a partisan of the 'Mailed Fish.'"—Manchester Evening News.
The very man for a submarine campaign.
"The main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed trench system by which the Germans have extended their Hindenburg line northwards."—Sunday Paper.
Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been rather hastily constructed.
NATIONAL SERVICE;
Or, The Single Eye.
Good Jones, who saw his duty plain,
Resolved he would not live in vain;
He bought some land and made a start,
He gave up literature and art,
He studied books on what to grow,
He studied Mr. Prothero;
He worked from early dawn till ten,
Then went to town like other men,
And in his office he would stand
Expatiating on the land.
Prom five again he worked till eight,
Although it made his dinner late;
He could not tear himself away,
He could not leave his native clay.
At last, his energy all spent,
He put his tools away and went,
Took off his suit of muddy tan,
Became a clean and cultured man,
And settled firmly down to dine.
On fish and fowl and meat and wine
And bread as much as he might need;
And while he dined he used to read
What Prothero had said last night,
And felt that he was doing right.
He didn't notice food was short;
He quite forgot Lord Devonport.