HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
(Marshal Von Hindenburg; a Telephone.)
The Telephone. Rr-rr-rr-rr.
The Marshal. Curse the infernal telephone! A man doesn't get a moment's peace. Tush, what am I talking about? Who wants peace? If we were all to be quite candid there might be—
The Telephone. Rr-rr.
The Marshal. All right, all right, I'm coming. Yes, I'm Marshal Von Hindenburg. Who are you? What? I can't hear a single word. You really must speak up. Louder—louder still, you fool. What? Oh, I really beg your Majesty's pardon. I assure you it was impossible to hear distinctly, but it's all right now. I thank your Majesty, I am in my usual good health. Yes. No, not at all. Yes, I have good hope that we shall now maintain ourselves for at least two days. Yes, if we are forced to retire we must say it is according to plan. No, I don't like it either, but what is to be done? Their guns are more numerous and heavier than ours, and weight of metal must tell. Will I hold the line? Yes, certainly, till your Majesty returns and graciously resumes the conversation. Oh, you didn't mean that line? You meant the Siegfried line, or the Wotan line, or the Hindenburg line? Yes, I see, it was a Witz, a play of words. Yes, I am sorry I could not at once see what your Majesty was driving at, but now I see it is good. I must practise my joking. Ha-ha-ha! Are you there? No, he's gone (rings off). (To himself) He is a queer Emperor who is able to make jokes while his soldiers are dying by thousands and thousands. It can't last like this—and as for the Hindenburg line, I'm perfectly tired to death of the words; and the thing itself doesn't exist.
The Telephone. Rr-rr-rr-rr.
The Marshal. What, again? This is too much—who are you? Who? Who? General Von Kluck? Impossible. General Von Kluck's dead. What—not dead? Anyhow, nobody's heard of him for months. If you're really General Von Kluck I'm afraid we must consider you to be dead. The Emperor won't regard it as very good taste on your part to come to life again like this. He's very unforgiving, you know. You don't care? But, my dear dead General Von Kluck, you must care. What is it you say you wanted to do? Congratulate me? What on? My splendid defence of the Hindenburg line? Now, look here. As one German General to another do you mean to tell me you believe in the Hindenburg line? No, of course you don't. You thought I believed in it? Was that what you said? Come, don't wriggle, though you are a dead man. Yes, that was what you said. Well, then understand henceforth that there is no Hindenburg line and there never was anything of the sort. Why am I retreating then? Because I must. That's the whole secret. Why did you retreat after your famous oblique march during the Battle of the Marne? Because you had to, of course. There—that's enough. I can't waste any more time. What? Oh, yes, you can congratulate me on anything you like except that. And now you had better return to the grave of your reputation and remain there (rings off).
The Telephone. Rr-rr-rr-rr.
The Marshal. To h-ll with the telephone! Who is it now? What—an editor of a newspaper? That's a little bit too thick. What is it you want? To thank God for that masterpiece of bold cunning, the Hindenburg line? Is that what you want? Well, make haste, for the masterpiece doesn't exist. No, I'm not joking. I can't joke. Enough (rings off).
Nervous Recruit (on guard for the first time). "Halt, friend! Who goes there?"