CHARIVARIA.
GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy as it was.
It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that the point will be pressed.
Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he sees it.
A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter or die. He was only thirty-four years of age.
A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to.
A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal offence. They'll be stopping baseball next.
A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets.
A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business.
Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side might meet.
Writing to The Evening News a Maidstone gentleman protested against the action of the authorities who covered up the Tank in Trafalgar Square on Sundays. On the first Sunday it seems that somebody tripped over it.
There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow.
Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door was closed.
Surely it is only hindering matters for people to keep writing to the Press on the matter of the appointment of a Minister of Health. It seems to be overlooked that so far The Daily Mail has not indicated who should be appointed to that position.
The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well give it up and go home.
The gentleman who wrote to the Press offering to sell eggs at 4s. 7d. a dozen has since explained that he merely wanted to show how much higher the market price is than his would have been if he had really had any eggs to sell.
We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem.
Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch.
"Is the potato the saviour of the Fatherland?" asks the Deutsche Tageszeitung. Another slight to the ALL-HIGHEST.
From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":—
"It was in Edinburgh that he struck his most famous patient, Henley, who has a record of the 'Chief' in his rhymes and rhythms, 'In Hospital.'"—Daily Paper.
But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My head is bloody but unbowed."
"If all fools were rationed there could be no fixed scale."—Star.
Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the more he eats.
"Bassano is a nice town, by a dam site."—Canadian Paper.
But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer."
"The German government has a terrific explosive, which is being held in reserve to the last.... It is said that a bomb weighing scarcely ten kilometres can annihilate everything within a radius of two thousand feet."—New York Herald.
We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs about six miles.
"TIPPERARY BURGLARY.—Tipperary Temperance Club premises have been gurgled."—Cork Examiner.
GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club a-gurgling."
"General Allenby, no doubt, will go in due time to the House of Lords, and military men are taking a jocular interest in his selection of a title. Lord Bathsheba might serve, or Lord Hebron. Lord Jerusalem smacks of the jocose."—Birmingham Daily Post.
For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too.