CHARIVARIA.
According to an Italian report the conviction of the master-spy, VON GERLACH, was effected by the aid of "the two most notorious burglars in Europe." Another slight for LITTLE WILLIE.
Reporting on a Glasgow subway railway accident, Colonel PRINGLE advises that "the use of ambiguous phraseology on telephones should not be permitted." Abbreviations now dear to the London subscriber, such as "Grrrrrrr-kuk-kuk-kuk-bbbzzzzz—are you—ping! phut! grrrrr!" etc., etc., will no longer be allowed.
The Sinn Feiners are proposing to send a mission to the United States to explain their attitude. An upward tendency in plate-glass insurance is already manifesting itself in New York and elsewhere.
Owing, we understand, to other distractions, no actress last week obtained a divorce.
A trade union for funeral workers has just been formed, the members of which are pledged to oppose Sunday burials. It is considered very unlucky to be buried on a Sunday.
No, "Thespian," it is no longer considered correct to wear a straw hat with a fur coat. Why not run the lawnmower over the astrachan collar?
A medical correspondent points out that wasps, gnats and midges can be kept at a distance by using preparations of certain obnoxious plants. There is also much to be said for the plan of making a noise like a German.
The death of the "Old Lady of Charing Cross" is announced. The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street, on the other hand, is still able to sit up and take a note or two.
Internal matters are not being neglected by the House of Commons. Lord RHONDDA on Bread and High Military Officers on Toast were the features last week.
"What is a copper's 'mark'?" asked a Metropolitan magistrate the other day, just as if he were a High Court Judge.
An hotel fire occurred in Brook Street last week, and we are told that the guests left the hotel and hurried into the street. Nothing is said as to how this happy idea originated.
Mexico, it appears, has arranged that future revolutions shall be held between Saturday and Monday, the week-end being selected as the most suitable time for business men who are assisting America in war-work.
At a North of England police-court last week a seven-pound piece of cheese was alleged to have made away with a conscientious objector.
We are informed that the fish landed in Great Britain in 1916 weighed 8,173,639 hundredweight. The angler who killed it still sticks to the story that he thought it was much larger than this.
Two brass wedding-rings have been found inside a salmon caught on the Wye. As the fish looked extremely worried it is thought that it must have been leading a double, or even treble, life.
Some consternation has been caused among food-profiteers in this country by a recent dictum of Mr. SCHWAB, the American millionaire, to the effect that "Honesty is the best policy."
In connection with the food-economy campaign a notable example has been set by the python at the Zoo, who has decided to give up his mid-monthly lunch.
Among the prisoners recently captured on the Carso is a Major who bears a remarkable likeness to Marshal VON HINDENBURG. The unfortunate Major, it appears, explains that it is no fault of his, being due to a terrible accident he had when a boy.
A correspondent in Folk Lore declares that the hedgehog is, after all, a very lovable animal. We do not profess to be expert, but in any comparison with other animals we imagine that the hedgehog ought to win on points.
Lord NORTHCLIFFE has informed the Washington Red Cross Committee that the War has only just begun. The United States regard it as a happy coincidence that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial operations.
The POSTMASTER-GENERAL has issued a recommendation that all eggs sent in parcels to troops should be hard-boiled. Some difficulty has been experienced, it is pointed out, in securing prompt delivery of portions of uncooked eggs that may have escaped from the parcels in which they were confined.
"Two privates in the Royal Welsh Fusiliers," says a news item, "cannot speak a word of English, and their platoon-commander knows no Welsh." Probably the platoon-sergeant knows some words that sound sufficiently like Welsh.
The question of transport is officially stated to be one of the main difficulties in connection with the beer supply. This however is questioned by many patriotic consumers, who affirm that they are very rarely able to get as much as they can carry.
The appointment of a Riot Controller for Cork and District is said to be under consideration. Following the Indian Government's precedent as exposed in the Mesopotamia Report, he will conduct his official business from the Isle of Wight.