PURE ENGLISH.
[A writer in The Daily Express has been discussing the questions where and by whom the purest English is spoken and written, and pronounces strongly in favour of East Anglia, FITZGERALD, BORROW and Mr. CONRAD.]
Once more 'tis discussed
What guides we should trust
If we wish to write prose to perfection;
Is it BORROW or "FITZ,"
The Times or Tit Bits?
And how should we make our selection?
Once on NEWMAN and FROUDE
We were bidden to brood
If we aimed at distinction and purity;
And, when we escaped
From their influence, aped
GEORGE MEREDITH'S vivid obscurity.
The remarkable style
Of old THOMAS CARLYLE
Found many a lover and hater;
And precious young men
Who made play with the pen
Were devoted disciples of PATER.
But these idols we've burned
And have latterly learned
That "distinction"'s an utter delusion;
For if you would aim
At a popular fame
You must cultivate "vim" or effusion.
JOSEPH CONRAD (a Pole)
Some place on the whole
At the top of the tree for his diction;
But his style, I opine,
Is a little too fine
For the average reader of fiction.
If you can't be a WELLS,
Or aspire to Miss DELL'S
Impassioned and fervid variety,
You still may attain
To CHARLES GARVICE'S strain
And leaven Romance with propriety.
For democracy shies
At the artist who tries
To express himself subtly or darkly;
And the man in the street
In a fair plébiscite
Would probably crown Mrs. BARCLAY.
Extract from a sermon:—
"We meet here to-day under circumstances which are not ordinary ... We seem to hear 'the sound of a gong in the tops of the mulberry trees.'"—The Record.
This must be some air-raid warning by the rural police.
"On the roads near by 'a Verdun' signposts have been replaced by new ones reading 'A Glorieux Verdun.' The name of France herself might well be altered to 'Glorieux France.'"—Canadian Paper.
Vive le France!
From a report of the British Cotton-growing Association:—
"The negotiations with the Government for the development of the irritation scheme for the Gezira plain are still under consideration."—The Field.
We trust we shall hear no more of this vexatious project.
A lodging-house keeper at Whitby
Saw a couple of Zeppelins flit by;
Though she felt a sharp sting,
It's a curious thing
That she never knew which she was hit by.
"War conditions have given occasion in Germany for the study of an oedema disease (swelling) unknown in peace times. Among the civil population it has been generally located in the feet and legs, and in more than one-half of the cases studied some degree of facial swelling was present."—Daily Paper.
This last symptom is especially noticeable in the case of the KAISER.
"Prior to the meeting [of the Irish Convention] in Cork the members of the secretariat attended in Sir Horace Plunkett's private room, and presented him with a solid ivory chairman's mantle."—Dublin Evening Mail.
But we are glad to state that the proceedings were quite orderly, and that the Chairman did not need this protective garment.