THE MAN WHO STAYED AT HOME
(A SOLILOQUY AFTER A DAY'S WORK AT THE MINISTRY OF FOOD).
[Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE, formerly First Secretary of the Ministry of Food, has been in consultation with the Supreme Council for Supply and Relief in Paris. Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE has just returned from a mission of inquiry into the food situation in Austria.]
Let others speed to far Sequanian shores
To end the War that was to end all wars,
Where peace-pursuing Discord loud debates
And all hotels are packed with Delegates;
Where pundits in the Parliament of Man
Discuss or Georgian or Wilsonian Plan;
Where fickle Fate dispenses weal or woe
Respectively assigned to friend and foe;
Where Cornucopia meekly comes to heel
Under instructions from Sir JOHN FIELD BEALE.
Let others in Icarian feats engage
With the ingenious aid of HANDLEY PAGE;
Haste to discover all that may be known
About the situation in Cologne;
Or, like Sir WILLIAM BEVERIDGE, to appease
The clamourings of esurient Viennese—
In none of these things Fortune waits for me,
Nor Knighthood cheap, nor unctuous O.B.E.
Ah, not for me to note with facile pen
Successive stages of the L. of N.
With calorimetric and statistic arts
Administer the prog of Foreign Parts,
Or, eager not to do the thing by halves,
To reconcile the Czechs and Jugo-Slavs—
I will, resigning honours, kudos, pelf,
Administer hot cocoa to myself;
Then to repose; for it is truly said
The best location of mankind is BED.
EMANCIPATION.
"Wanted by respectable woman, a couple of Gentleman's Trousers (left off)."—Irish Paper.
"A Caproni machine flew a distance of 325 miles in four fours."—Scottish Paper.
A correspondent writes to ask if this is double the time usually described as "two two's."
"At 11 o'clock the muster roll at many shops and offices was still incomplete. Indeed assistants were reported 'missing' at many establishments an hour later. There were girls—Government and others—who stayed at home."—Evening Paper.
Little pigs who wouldn't go to market.
"At Bolton on Saturday the United Textile Factory Workers' Association decided to put forward a demand for a 4-hours week, with the same rate of pay as for 55-1/2 hours."—Provincial Paper.
We trust this is a misprint and not an "intelligent anticipation" of what we are coming to.
"The teachers of —— are not satisfied with the scale of salary fixed by the Education Committee, and yesterday morning a deputation waited upon the Special Salaries Committee to state their case. The Education Committee decided to increase the salary of the borough Director of Education from £450 to £500."
Provincial Paper.
And if that don't satisfy 'em—Bolshevism, my dear Sir, Bolshevism!
The General (showing his nieces round Club). "THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF ARM-CHAIR FIGHTING DONE IN THIS ROOM."
School-Girl. "HOW TOPPING! THAT BEATS PILLOW-FIGHTING. BUT ISN'T IT RATHER DANGEROUS?"