CHARIVARIA.
The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in harness.
It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that gave them this happy thought.
The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in the attempt.
"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in The Daily Mail. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already demanded an apology is unconfirmed.
Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most efficacious.
With reference to the North of England man who has decided not to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at present.
ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this from America.
Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it.
It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a critical condition.
Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers spend their week-ends?"
Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove unsatisfactory.
"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries.
Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that restaurant habitués are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per cent. reduction in tips.
Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it themselves.
A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died worth sixty-five pounds.
One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking into people's houses like thieves in the night.
Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in three days he will be sold to defray expenses.
Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on the hat-rack.
At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand, was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of the Brighter Football League.
The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it.
A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East End system of developing black eyes by back-answering.
A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by an open window this weather.
A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago, has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the local police have been instructed to take action.
The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again entered the carriage from which she had fallen.
Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege of dying a natural death may be extended to them.
