LINES TO A LEGIONARY.
(Members of the new corps of domestic servants are called legionaries.)
Sole hope of this my household, martial maid
Whom ordered ranks and discipline austere
Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade,
So that respect, not all unmixed with fear,
Informs my breast as I await you here,
Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch,
Does, to be frank, alarm me very much.
Come not, I pray you, to my casual home
(Where moulting cats usurp the best arm-chair)
With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome,
The brow severe, the you-be-careful air
Which (on the film) all legionaries wear;
My dream is just a regulated ease;
Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, please.
Come not with rude awakenings, nor request
That I at stated hours must rise and feed;
I like my morning slumber much the best
And hate a life by drastic laws decreed
(I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a Mede);
No, but with step demure and tactful come,
And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb!
In careless comfort let my days be spent!
And, maiden, mutual happiness shall reign;
The crash of crockery I'll not lament
Nor (when I fain would sing) will I complain
Though you should raise the far from dulcet strain;
But with a sweet content I'll bless the day
My legionary came, and came to stay.
"LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading to his recovery will be rewarded."—Glasgow Herald.
It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety" ladies in the illustrated papers.
"He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages should be avoided."—Liverpool Paper.
Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one wears waders, extremely difficult to follow.
"WANTED.—A suitable match for a well-connected and refined Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character; monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late wife died last week."—Indian Paper.
It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with the old love before you are on with the new.
"The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are: (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."—Sunday Times (Johannesburg).
The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was.
Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen (in dairy where she has dealt for over three years). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE CREAM AS USUAL."
Dairy Girl. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."