CHARIVARIA.
No newspapers were published on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did not begrudge them their holiday, but we do think The Daily Mail might have issued occasional bulletins respecting the weather at Thanet, as we consider three days is too long to keep their readers in suspense.
The most popular indoor game this winter seems to be Battledore-and-Juttlecock.
A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday. Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide festivities.
Readers should not be alarmed if a curious rustling noise is heard next Saturday morning. It will be simply the sound of new leaves being turned over.
In view of the possible increase of their salaries it is not the intention of Members of Parliament to solicit Christmas-boxes. Householders, therefore, should be on their guard against men passing themselves off as M.P.s.
Our attention is drawn to the fact that the latest photograph of Mr. Lloyd George shows him to be smoking a cigar with the band on. We can only say that Cromwell wouldn't have done it.
Our magistrates appear to be made of poor stuff these days. A man named Snail was last week summoned before the Feltham magistrates for exceeding the speed limit, yet no official joke was made. Incidentally, why is it that Mr. Justice Darling never gets a real chance like this?
A New York policeman has been arrested in the act of removing a safe from a large drapery store. It is said that upon being seen by another policeman he offered to run and fetch a burglar.
Mme. Delysia has been bitten by a dog in New York. The owner's defence, that the animal had never tasted famous dancer before, is not likely to be accepted.
Like a soothing balm just before the old year dies comes the intimation from Mr. Lovat Fraser that there is a bright side to things.
With reference to the opening of the pantomime season it is reported that a couple of new jokes have been found nesting in a Glasgow theatre.
Psychologists are inclined to attribute the recent night stampede of sheep in the Midlands, when thousands of them jumped their hurdles, to the influence of a large number of people concentrating on a well-known remedy for sleeplessness.
It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.
Very few English Christmas customs, we hear, are prevalent out in Russia. We have always felt that the custom of clients giving Christmas-boxes to their executioners will never become very popular.
It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General Villa have made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief Insurgent to the State of Mexico.
The Morning Post has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often reduced to travelling third-class. It is hoped to persuade Sir Eric Geddes to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holidays to see how it feels.
It is now admitted that the plum-pudding which was badly mauled by a small boy in the Hoxton district on Christmas Day began it by inviting his assailant to "come on."
D'Annunzio is reported to be coming to a more reasonable frame of mind. Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of independence.
People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a London coroner. This makes things far too easy for motorists.
Dr. A. Graham Bell recently told a Derby audience how he invented the telephone. We note that he still refuses to say why.
We are informed that, on and after the 1st of January, Mr. Churchill cannot undertake to refute the opinions of any writer who has not been officially recognised as a best seller.
A scientist has succeeded in putting a pea to sleep with electro-magnetism. The clumsy old method of drowning it in a plate of soup should now be a thing of the past.
General Townshend says that with seventy thousand men he could have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. Horatio Bottomley.
What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who made the world safe for democracy.
There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives warning when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her sense of smell.
"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in the price of restaurant steak.
On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions will enter upon its second year of winding up.
