ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Monday, November 29th.—Some time ago Lord Newton was appointed Chairman of a Committee on Smoke Abatement. It took enough evidence to fill a Blue-book a couple of inches thick, and, at the request of the Government, furnished an interim report. Supposing, not unnaturally, that its valuable recommendations would be adopted in the Government's housing schemes the Committee was disgusted to find that, save for an emasculated summary in "a dismal journal called Housing," no notice was taken of its report. Lord Newton is not a man who can safely be invited to consume his own smoke, and he made indignant protest this afternoon. A soft answer from Lord Sandhurst, who assured him that the Government, far from being unmindful of the Committee's labours, had already equipped some thousands of houses with central heating, temporarily diverted his wrath.
Thanks to the Sinn Feiners, the Public Galleries of the House of Commons were closed. Thus deprived of all audience save themselves and the reporters the most loquacious Members were depressed. Bombinantes in gurgite vasto, their arguments sounded hollow even to themselves. With an obvious effort they tried to carry on what the Speaker described—and deprecated—as "the usual Monday fiscal debate." This time it turned upon the large imports from Russia in 1913. One side seemed to think that similar imports would be forthcoming to-day but for the obstructiveness of the British Government, while the other was confident that Russia had nothing to export save propaganda. The controversy was beginning to pall when by a happy inspiration Mr. Ronald McNeill, with mock solemnity, inquired if the last egg in Russia had not been eaten by a relation of the Secretary of State for War.
"His conscience now quite clear."
Sir J. T. Agg-Gardner.
A long-standing Parliamentary tradition enjoins that the reply to any Question addressed to the Chairman of the Kitchen Committee should be greeted with laughter. By virtue of his office he holds, as it were, the "pass-the-mustard" prerogative. Members laughed accordingly when he replied to a question relating to the number of ex-Service men employed by his Committee; but they laughed much more loudly when the hon. Member who put the original Question proceeded to inquire "if his conscience is now quite clear," and Sir J. T. Agg-Gardner, looking as respectable as if he were Mrs. Grundy's second husband, declared, hand on heart, that it was.
THE DEFENDER OF KUT—WITH ESCORT.
Sir Charles Townshend.
The House gave a rather less stentorian welcome than might have been expected to Sir Charles Townshend, who was escorted up to the Table by Mr. Bottomley and Colonel Croft. Perhaps it was afraid that cheers intended for the defender of Kut might be appropriated by the Editor of John Bull.
Encouraged, I suppose, by the emptiness of the Ladies' Gallery, it then proceeded with great freedom to discuss a proposal for the employment of women and young persons "in shifts."
THE FAT BOY OF DULWICH.
Sir Frederick Hall.
Tuesday, November 30th.—The ex-Crown Prince of Prussia will be tremendously bucked when he reads the report of to-day's proceedings, and discovers that there is one person in the world who takes him seriously. Sir Frederick Hall has been much disturbed by the reports of Hohenzollern intrigues for a restoration, and begged the Government to send a protest to the Dutch Government. But the Fat Boy of Dulwich quite failed to make Mr. Bonar Law's flesh creep.
Mr. Baldwin is the least perturbable of Ministers. Even when Major Edwards invited him to elucidate the phrase "a working knowledge of the Welsh language"—"Does it mean having an intimate acquaintance with the literary works of Dafydd Ap Gwilym or the forgeries of 'Iolo Morganwg'?"—he never turned a hair.
Modesty not having hitherto been regarded as one of Mr. Churchill's most salient characteristics I feel it my duty to record that, on being asked when he would introduce the Supplementary Army Estimates, he replied, "I am entirely in the hands of my superiors."
Wednesday, December 1st.—That Hebrew should be one of the official languages of Palestine seems, on the face of it, not unreasonable. But, according to Lord Treowen, to compel the average Palestinian Jew, who speaks either Spanish or Yiddish, to use classical Hebrew, will be like obliging a user of pidgin English to adopt the language of Addison. He failed, however, to make any impression upon Lord Crawford, who expressed the hope that the Government's action would help to purify the language. Sir Herbert Samuel is determined, I gather, to make Palestine a country fit for rabbis to live in.
The Government of Ireland Bill had a very rough time in Committee. The Lord Chancellor managed to ward off Lord Midleton's proposal to have one Parliament instead of two—"a blow at the heart of the Bill"—but was less successful when Lord Oranmore and Browne moved that the Southern Parliament should be furnished with a Senate. The Peers' natural sentiment in favour of Second Chambers triumphed, and the Government were defeated by a big majority.
The Office of Works has been lending a hand to local authorities in difficulties with their housing schemes. But when Sir Alfred Mond brought up a Supplementary Estimate in respect of these transactions he met with a storm of indignation that surprised him. "The road to bankruptcy," "Nationalisation in the building trade," "Socialistic proposals"—these were some of the phrases that assailed his ears. Fortified, however, by the support of the Labour Party—Mr. Myers declared that his action had been "the one bright spot in the whole of the housing policy"—Sir Alfred challenged his critics to go and tell their constituents that they had voted to prevent houses being built, and got his Estimate through by 190 to 64.
Thursday, December 2nd.—Thanks to the free-and-easy procedure of the House of Lords the Government began the day with a victory. Lord Shandon had moved an amendment, to which the Lord Chancellor objected. But he did not challenge a division when the question was put. Lord Donoughmore, most expeditious of Chairmen, announced "the Contents have it," and the matter seemed over. But then the Lord Chancellor woke up, and said he had meant to ask for a division. "All right," said the Chairman; "clear the Bar," and when the white-wanded tellers had counted their flocks it appeared that the Government had a majority of three.
I do not suppose anyone will say of Lord Birkenhead, as a celebrated judge is reported to have said of one of his predecessors, "'Ere comes that 'oly 'umbug 'umming 'is 'orrid 'ymns;" but he is evidently a student of hymnology, for he referred to the Government victory as this "scanty triumph" and for a long time did not challenge any more divisions.
In the House of Commons an attack upon the new liquor regulations—"pieces of gross impertinence" according to Mr. Macquisten—found no favour with the Prime Minister. Mr. McCurdy announced that he had reduced the price of wheat to the millers and hoped that "in a few weeks" the consumer might begin to receive the benefit. The Chancellor of the Exchequer excused the delay in publishing the Economy Committee's reports on the ground that the Minister of Munitions was "at sea," and elicited the inevitable gibe that he was not the only one. Sir Eric Geddes, with a judicious compliment to the motorists for setting "an extraordinary example of voluntary taxation," got a Second Reading for his Roads Bill; and Sir Gordon Hewart with some difficulty induced the House to accept his assurance that the Official Secrets Bill was meant for the discomfiture of spies and not the harassing of honest journalists.
Golfer. "Have you ever seen a worse player?" [No answer.] "I said, 'Have you ever seen a worse player?'"
Aged Caddie. "I heerd ye verra weel the furrst time. I was jest thenkin' aboot it."
Margaret (not satisfied with the parental explanation of the recent disappearance of a pet rabbit). "Mummy, is—is this Gladys?"