ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Monday, November 15th.—To induce the House of Lords to accept a measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising that Lord Peel essayed the task of getting a second reading for an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of Dalmeny had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But, alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to Lord Sumner to administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know [a]it.]
The President of the Board of Trade must regard Monday with rather mixed feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy of Blondin. A Tariff Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware, provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the very reverse of dumping."
THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS.
Conductor Addison (to Driver Law). "What, you can't get 'ome by Christmas with all them passengers on top? Well, why didn't you tell me before I took 'em on?"
Sir Donald Maclean was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as leader of the Wee Frees before—and since—Mr. Asquith's reappearance. On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt response from Mr. Bonar Law, who admitted that it was inconvenient to drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal from Lady Astor, that the Government should not "economise in health," fell upon deaf ears. Dr. Addison not only enumerated the thirteen doomed clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck.
Tuesday, November 16th.—I don't suppose Lord Crewe and the other noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "Persicos odi" expected to embarrass the Foreign Secretary by their cross-questioning. Persia is to Lord Curzon what "de brier-patch" was to Brer Rabbit. He has been cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny.
BRER [a]RABBIT] IN HIS ELEMENT.
Lord Curzon.
Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed by Mr. Harmsworth's announcement that the fees received for British visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department which actually earns its keep.
The War Minister was again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr. Churchill replied that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles de luxe presented itself to Mr. Hogge, who gave notice that he should "reduce" the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr. Churchill came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question has engaged the attention of the military authorities."
In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr. Acland hinted that Sir F. Banbury, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural affairs. Whereupon Mr. Pretyman came to the rescue with the surprising revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition to his vocations as banker, stockbroker and railway director, had on one occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock." The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham," will have Mr. Pretyman to thank if his sobriquet in future is "Little Bo-Peep."
Wednesday, November 17th.—The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of Durham—a notable addition to the oratorical strength of the Episcopal Bench—proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn in the matter of polite invective. Lord Gainford invited them to declare that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental staffs and incidentally relieve our open spaces from the eyesores that now disfigure them. Perhaps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part of his motion, for the Ministerial spokesman rode off on this line—Lord Crawford confessing that his artistic sensibility was outraged by these "horrible hutments"—and said very little about cutting down the staffs. This way of treating the matter dissatisfied the malcontents, who voted down the Ministry.
AMOR TRIUMPHANS.
(After the Pompeii mosaic.)
With Mr. Punch's best wishes to Captain Wedgwood Benn.
The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at Question-time. Presently the appearance of Lieut.-Commander Kenworthy in unusually festive attire furnished an explanation. After forty years of bachelorship and four of fighting, Wedgwood Benn is Benedict indeed; and his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities.
The Secretary to the Admiralty has not yet attained to the omniscience in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve years' continuous occupancy of the post. But Sir James Craig can handle an awkward questioner no less deftly than "Dr. Mac." Witness his excuse for not replying to a "Supplementary":—"The hon. and gallant gentleman must understand that I attach so much importance to his questions that I wish to be most punctilious in my answers." Who could persist after that?
Mr. Bonar Law stated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France were responsible for constitutional government in Greece came to an end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have "a completely free hand" in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be excused from saying in what manner that "free hand" would bee used if Tino should think of returning.
Thursday, November 18th.—In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill had most of its teeth drawn. Lord Sumner was the most adroit of the many operators employed, and he used no gas.
The usual dreary duel of Nationalist insinuation and Ministerial denial in regard to Irish happenings was lightened by one or two interludes. Mr. Jack Jones loudly suggested that the Government should send for General Ludendorff to show them how to carry out reprisals. "He is no friend of mine," retorted the Chief Secretary, with subtle emphasis. Later he read a long letter from the C.-in-C. of the Irish Republican Army to his Chief of Staff discussing the possibility of enlisting the germs of typhoid and glanders in their noble fight for freedom. The House listened with rapt attention until Sir Hamar came to the pious conclusion, "God bless you all." Amid the laughter that followed this anti-climax Mr. Devlin was heard to ask, "Was not the whole thing concocted in Dublin Castle?" Well, if so, Dublin Castle must have developed a sense of humour quite foreign to its traditions. Perhaps that is the reason why the Prime Minister, earlier in the Sitting, expressed the opinion that "things in Ireland are getting much better."
THE BOOT MYSTERY.
DRAMATIC SCENES AT BILBURY QUARTER SESSIONS.
Counsel for Prosecution arrives from London.
The Proceedings.
Notes on the Leading Personalities in the Great Drama.
Prisoner Adkins' Awkward Admission.
[Note.—The author is surprised, not to say pained, at the conspiracy of silence on the part of the daily Press, as a result of which he is left to write this matter up himself. However ...]
A sombre court-house of Quarter Sessions, the light with difficulty penetrating the dusty panes of the windows. On the so-called Bench sits the Bench so-called; in point of fact there are half-a-dozen ripe aldermen sitting on chairs, in the midst of which is an arm-chair, and in it Mr. Augustus Jones, the Recorder of Bilbury.
Born in 1873 of rich but respectable parents; called, with no uncertain voice, to the Bar in 1894; of a weighty corpulence and stormy visage, Mr. Jones now settles himself in his arm-chair to hear and determine all this business about Absalom Adkins and the Boots. How admirably impressive is Mr. Jones's typically English absence of hysteria, his calm, his restfulness. Indeed, give Mr. Jones five minutes to himself and it is even betting he would be fast asleep.
The Clerk of the Court with awful dignity suggests getting a move on. Mr. [a]Blaythwayte] who, as well as Clerk of the Court is also Town Clerk of Bilbury, was born in 1850 and, having survived the intervening years, now demands the production of the prisoner from below. Looking at this dignitary one gets the poetic impression of a mass of white hair, white moustache, white whiskers, white beard and white wig, with little bits of bright red face appearing in between. From a crevice in one of these patches come the ominous words, of which we catch but a sample or two: "... Prisoner at the bar ... for that you did ... steal, take and carry away ... pairs of boots ... of our Lord the King, his crown and dignity."
At this moment there arrives in court a sinister figure wearing the wig and gown so much affected by the English Bar. Plainly a man of character and of moment; obviously selected with great care for this highly difficult and delicate matter. His features are sharp, clean-cut. One feels that they have been sharpened and cut clean this very morning. In his hand he holds the fateful brief, pregnant with damnatory facts. He makes his way into the pen reserved "For Counsel only." The usher locks him in for safety's sake.
Persons in the Drama (so far).
Mr. Augustus Jones. Recorder. Born in [a]1873.]
Mr. Joseph K. Blaythwayte. Clerk of the Court. Born in 1850.
Absalom Adkins, of uncertain age, supposed boot-fancier.
Our Lord the King, whose peace, crown and dignity are reported to have been rudely disturbed by the alleged activities of Absalom Adkins.
Who is this strong silent man, this robed counsellor trusted with the case of the Crown? Who is it? It is I! Born in the year—but if I'm to tell my life story it's a thousand pounds I want. Make it guineas and I will include portraits of self and relations, with place of birth, inset.
The scenario (or do we mean the scene?) is now complete. Leading characters, minor characters, chorus, supernumeraries and I myself are all on the stage. Absalom Adkins, clad in a loose-fitting corduroy lounge suit and his neck encased in a whitish kerchief, rises from his seat. Mr. Jones, the Recorder, does much as he was doing before—nothing in particular. Counsel for the prosecution re-reads his brief, underlines the significant points, forgets that his pencil is a blue one and licks it. On a side-table, impervious to their surroundings and apparently unconcerned with their significance, sit the crucial boots.
"How say you, Absalom Adkins"—such the concluding words of the Clerk, the finish of the prologue which rings up the curtain on this human drama—"how say you? Are you guilty or not guilty?"
"Guilty," says Absalom, and that ends it.
Later a large and enthusiastic crowd outside (had there been one) might have seen a man with clean and sharp-cut features carrying a bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other, stepping lightly on to a Bilbury corporation tram, station bound. This is the counsel for the prosecution (still me), his grave responsibilities honourably discharged, hurrying back to the vortex of metropolitan life.
F. O. L.
Vicar. "I understand from the doctor that your husband is hearing better with this ear."
Darby. "Eh, what? What's 'e say, Joan?"
Joan. "'E says 'e understands from the doctor that you're 'earing better with that there."
From a stores catalogue:—
"The —— Wringer.
Guaranteed for one year—Fair wear and tear excepted."
There is always a catch somewhere.
"A consignment of Rumanian eggs has arrived in this country. This shipment, which is the first to arrive since the war closed this source of supply in 1914, consists of 100 cases, each containing 1914 eggs."—Scots Paper.
Referring, we trust, to the number and not the vintage.
"Contracts, Tenders, &c.
The Great Northern Railway Company.
Allegro moderato
Notturno ............} from String
Quartet, No. 2,
in D} Borodine. stores contracts."
Daily Paper.
| Allegro moderato Notturno ............ | } | from String Quartet, No. 2, in D | } | Borodine. |
It is generally supposed that the company entertains the idea of attempting to "soothe the savage breast" of the Minister of Transport.