COLD COMFORT.
(It is stated that M. Kameneff, on his return to Russia, having fallen out of favour with the Soviet Government, has been appointed Commissar at Taganrog.)
Upon the mighty wheels of life
I'm but a very little cog,
And, when engaged in active strife,
Always the under-dog.
No honours yet have come to me
(My name is Ebenezer Blogg);
I haven't got an O.B.E.
Nor yet the Dannebrog.
A taxi-man the other night
Called me a measly little frog;
It's true that in respect of height
I can't compare with Og.
At school I was the whipping-boy
Whom every master used to flog,
Although I took no stealthy joy
In pipes or cards or grog.
The only time that I bestrode
A horse, like Gilpin all agog,
The creature bolted from the road
And plunged me in a bog.
I never learned to sing or dance,
To bowl or bat, to stick or slog;
The only time I crossed to France
I struck a Channel fog.
I'm old and poor and rather deaf;
I'm often very short of prog;
Yet still I grudge not Kameneff
His post at Taganrog.
First Bookie. "I must 'ave taken two 'undred quid to-day. Marvellous! I can't think where the money comes from."
Second Bookie. "From me mostly."
Our Modest Advertisers.
"To be Sold, small unexceptionally attractive gentleman's Residential Estate."
There was an American "Daisy"
Whose Diary set people crazy;
Some called it a fake—
A most venial mistake,
For Opals are apt to be hazy.
Humble Guest (at Profiteer's castle). "What the deuce is this?"
Magnificent Flunkey. "The temperature of your bath-water, Sir."
THE MINISTRY FOR HEROES.
January 1st, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
When demobilised on 5th November last I applied for a disability pension. Having received no official communication on the subject, may I inquire, please, how the matter stands?
M. C. Broke, Capt.
February 1st, 1920.
To Lieut. C. M. Broke.
I am to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/1/20, and to say that you will receive a further communication from this Department in due course.
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
March 1st, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
Re your letter of February 1st, may I inquire how the matter now stands, please? (My rank, by the way, is captain, and my initials are "M. C." not "C. M." I hope you won't mind me mentioning it.)
M. C. Broke, Capt.
April 1st, 1920.
To Mr. M. Brake.
I am to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/3/20 and to request that you will be good enough to state the date upon which you last received a payment on account of your pension.
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
April 2nd, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
Replying to your inquiry of yesterday, I have not received any payment—not a bond, not a rouble, not a bean. That, between ourselves, was my idea in initiating this interesting correspondence.
May I direct your attention to my signature?
M. C. Broke, Capt.
May 10th, 1920.
To Second-Lieut. J. Brooke.
Your letter dated 2/4/20 has been duly received. I am to ask whether you are (a) demobilised; (b) disembodied; or (c) still serving?
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
May 11th, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
I was so glad to hear yesterday that my letter of the 2nd of last month had been duly received. I was beginning to get quite anxious about it. In reply to your inquiry I have the honour to state (again) that I was (a) demobilised. I mentioned this, you know, last January. But perhaps you have forgotten? It is rather a long while ago.
M. C. Broke, Capt.
P.S.—I don't mind a bit how you spell my name and all that. But our postman is getting wild. And you know what workers are.
June 30th, 1920.
To Mr. C. Bink.
I am directed to acknowledge your letter of 11/5/20. In order to facilitate this Department's investigations into your claim, please say if you are in possession of Army Form Z.3.
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
July 1st, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
Yes, I am in possession of Army Form Z.3. I do hope this will facilitate your Department's investigations. Not for my sake. But I enclose last quarter's accounts from my landlord, butcher, baker, etc. Perhaps you will be good enough to guarantee my credit? You know how impatient these vulgar fellows are.
M. C. Broke, Capt.
P.S.—I think I like "Bink" the least of my new names. But perhaps you will think of a better one for my next letter.
August 1st, 1920.
To Mr. M. Brooks.
Your letter of 1/7/20 has been duly received, and I am to inquire whether you submitted a claim for disability pension at the time of your demobilisation. If so, please state date.
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
August 2nd, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
With reference to your letter of yesterday, the answer is in the affirmative. By the way I think we went into that little matter too last January. But, of course, you can't think of everything. Excuse me mentioning it. Do you think you could get my pension through by the 30th inst? It is my birthday, and I would like to have my boots soled and heeled.
M. C. Broke, Capt.
August 30th, 1920.
To Mr. N. Brock.
With reference to your application for disability pension I am to request that you will furnish this Department with a full statement of the circumstances under which you were wounded, giving the following particulars:—Christian and surname (in block letters); regiment; whether (a) demobilised; (b) disembodied; or (c) still serving; whether (a) shot; (b) bayoneted; (c) gassed; (d) shell-shocked; or (e) drowned; Christian and surname (in block letters) of batman, stretcher-bearers and O.i/c hospital ship.
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
September 8th, 1920.
To the Ministry of Pensions.
Under medical advice I am to cease corresponding with your admirable Department. It seems a pity, since we have got to know each other so well. I have decided therefore to place the matter in the hands of the Miners' Federation. I do not think I have mentioned the fact before, but I was employed as a miner when I joined up in '14.
M. C. Broke, Capt.
September 9th, 1920.
To Captain M. C. Broke.
I am directed to inform you that you have been awarded a disability pension at the rate of five hundred pounds per annum. A draft for the amount due, including arrears from 5/11/19—date of disembodiment or demobilisation—was despatched to your address this morning per King's Messenger.
I have the honour to be, Sir,
Your humble and obedient Servant,
Cuthbert Rutt,
for Ministry of Pensions.
