NEW YEAR MEMS.
Lord S-l-sb-ry. Smother Howard Vincent & Co.—at least in public. Give private tip to Hartington, Bright, and Goschen, to get me talked about as a "second Cobden."
Mr. W. E. Gl-dst-ne. Mem.—Feel a little "chippy" this morning. Go out axing. Send New Year's Card to Dopping. Forgive and Forget. Write fewer letters, make fewer speeches, avoid railway station oratory; Ch-mb-rl-n's imitating me there. Shall have him next taking to chopping trees in Prince's Gardens. Mem.—Return to use of post-cards; shall also give up writing magazine-articles and devote myself more to commercial pursuits; there's a good deal to be done in chips if one gives his mind to it. Why not leave Hawarden and reside at Chipping Norton?
Mr. B-lf-r. Gingerly manipulate the "Crimes Act" across the Channel for the next few weeks. Mem.—Parliament opens Feb. 9th. Be careful what I say or write about anybody. Consult Solicitor.
Special.
C. S. P-rn-ll. Change my name and address next year, call myself B-ckle of the Times.
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Retire from "Fisheries'" as gracefully and as soon as possible. As J-sse C-ll-ngs would say, "Hook it." Codling's the man.
The Lord Ch-f J-st-ce of Engl-nd. Shall begin New Year by leaving off voice lozenges, or may be called a "Sucking Ch-f J-st-ce." Shouldn't like this, and I know of one worldly journalist who wouldn't hesitate to write it.
The Right Hon. J. G. G-sch-n, M.P. Think I shall go back to the Liberal Party for a year at least; have tried them all round; find the last rather worse than others. R-nd-lph says I should by this time be an authority on the principle of the "Theory of Exchanges."
Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt, M.P. Shall begin to get up every morning at seven during recess, and go out for walk in glades of New Forest before breakfast. Find it a capital place to think out impromptus for my speeches.
Monsignor P-rs-co. Mem.—Keep myself to myself, and don't say nothing to nobody.
Archbishop Cr-ke. Ask Thos. O'Dw-er of Limerick to dinner. Cut National League on first opportunity.
Archbishop B-ns-n. Study the Calendar of State Papers, time of Henry the Eighth, carefully. Get portrait of myself done in full canonicals, with the two acolytes in scarlet skull-caps and cassocks, as we appeared at Truro. Pretty subject: great scope for artist.
Bishop of L-nd-n. "Oblige B-ns-n." Ask St-w-rt H-dl-m to take me to the Alhambra. Try and get a copy of that now extinct work, Essays and Reviews.
Lord D-nr-v-n. Must find out what I really mean by "Fair Trade." Write to Notes and Queries, and see if I can't get a definition somehow.
Mr. O'Br-n. Continue to pose as the "Martyr of Tullamore." Meantime, endeavour to get supplied with still more fashionable clothes. Why not a cheque suit, from America?
Cardinal M-nn-ng. Do something of everything. Mem.—Buy new Filter.
The L-rd Ch-nc-ll-r. Must really show some reason for my being in this exalted position. Find comfortable quarters for a few of my nephews, cousins, and sons-in-law who are still among "the Unemployed."
The Right Hon. J-hn Br-ght, M.P. Mem.—J-hn Br-ght, Always right. Politeness costs nothing. Get someone to give me a short manual of this almost-lost art, like prize-fighting. The latter being revived. Practise both.
Mr. C. V-ll-rs St-nf-rd. Inaugurate my Professorship in style. Get to work, and show 'em I'm the best man to turn out a genuinely successful first-class English Opera.
Professor H-xl-y. Study Sp-rg-n's Sermons for jokes and style, and read some theology, with a view to carrying out the great object of my life—smashing W. S. L-lly.
Mr. W. S. L-lly. Write more Chapters of History. Devote five minutes, one day when I have the leisure, to smashing H-xl-y.
Mr. Justice St-ph-n. Read up everything. After doing this, at last give my attention to the study of law. Mem.—Who was "The Master of the Sentences?" Must get his work, and revise some of my own.
Sir F. L-ght-n, P.R.A. Commence getting up Academy Speech for opening day. Mem.—Read Lemprière's Classical Dictionary for subject for big R.A. picture.
Sir J. E. M-ll-s, R.A. Knock off a few pictures for Illustrated papers of Christmas, 1888. Any model with fair hair will do. Write to P-rs' S—p people.
W. P. Fr-th, R.A. Write more Recollections. Note.—Wish I'd taken to this sort of thing earlier in life.
Mr. L-b-ch-re, M.P. Must get rid of Br-dl-gh; always been rather a drag on me. Try and hit on some other popular notion as good as Truth's Christmas Toys. Keep Eye on "Edmund."
Mr. Edm-nd Y-t-s. Write more Recollections and Experiences. Call them Moi-Mêmeries. Keep eye on "Henry."
Mr. J. L. T-le. Spend all my spare time in arranging jokes for speeches. Note them down every morning when shaving. Send an occasional letter to friend Irv-ng.
H. Irv-ng. Refuse title if offered. Tell friend T-le to do the same.
Mr. J. L. S-ll-v-n (Pugilist). Challenge somebody. "Excuse my glove."
Mr. J. Sm-th (Pugilist). Challenge S-ll-v-n, and fight him.
Sir A. S-ll-v-n (Composer). Leave Society to the other S-ll-v-n. Have had enough of it. Get back to my music. Give up G-lb-rt as soon as possible.
Mr. W. S. G-lb-rt. Hang music. Write something or other without it. As soon as possible, give up S-ll-v-n. Also dispense with Gr-ssm-th.
F. L-ckw-d, Q.C., M.P. Renounce Law and Politics. Draw for Punch. Ask H. F-rn-ss to give me a few lessons.
Right Hon. D-vid R. Pl-nk-t, M.P. Take a walk about London every morning at least, with view to rivalling Sam Weller in extent, if not peculiarity, of my knowledge of this "Vast Metrolopus."
Mrs. B-rn-rd B-re. Look after the acting rights of La Tosca. Get as good a play (if I can) as As in the Looking-glass, from the author of the novel. Go to Paris, and see dear Sarah. Find a better theatre than the Opéra Comique.
Mr. S-ntl-y. Learn "The Vicar of Bray," and "Father O'Flynn," as I have not added many new songs of late years to my répertoire.
Mr. S-ms R-v-s. Keep all my notes for my Autobiography. What title? Apologia?
M-d-me P-tti. Have "Home, Sweet Home," translated into foreign languages, to give it an air of novelty. Leave Wales to the Welshers.
Mr. A-g-st-s H-rr-s. Commence Pantomime for 1888-89. Entertain everybody. Send Life Pass for the Queen's Box, to the Assistant Architect of the Metropolitan Board of Works. Must be presented at Court this year. Should look well in Court suit.
Dr. R-bs-n R-se. Must invent something new in the diet line for New Year; shall cut off claret and hot water and their dry toast. Mem.—To write article in F-rtn-ghtly on "The Here and There of London Life," and point out the absolute necessity of consulting me on every subject. Recommend (as something novel), taking soup after cheese. This advice ought to increase my practice considerably.
The Rev. Dr. P-rk-r. Shall stay at home; at least, won't go again to United States; too vast.
Mr. B-s-nt. Keep my name well before the public. Think New Novel, All Sorts of Mortiboys, by Sir W-lt-r B-s-nt, Bart., would have good effect with publishers. Get W-ls-n B-rr-tt to dramatise with me, of course. Shall ask him not to act in it. Off to Africa, to get away from "London blacks."
Mr. N-rm-n L-cky-r. Write Magnum Opus, on the action of Snowballs in Space.
Sir M-r-ll M-ck-nz-e. Make careful study of the peculiar diseases incident to "Rumour's lying throat"—especially in Germany.
Ch-rm-n of M-ddl-s-x M-g-str-t-s. Attend some Metropolitan Music Hall every night of my life.
Ed-t-r of P. M. G. Get Stead-ier every day.
Mr. Punch. To wish a Happy New Year to everybody generally.
