MIXED PICKLES; OR, A VERY LATE PARTY.
Scene—A Private Room. Two Eminent Statesmen discovered in consultation. Lists of past and present Members of Parliament, also political Maps of England, scattered about.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Well, we're agreed about the name, then. It's to be the "National Radical Conservative Unionist Liberal Party," eh?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (doubtfully). Rather long, isn't it? Wouldn't the "Old England Party"—no connection with Dizzy's "Young England" ditto—sound better? And then we're safe to be called "Nationalists," and the word has such disagreeable associations.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (cheerfully). Pooh! What's in a name? I've been called lots of nasty ones before now.
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Yes, and called them yourself, too, sometimes.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (with gay indifference). Now to business. The most important thing we have to decide is—Who are to be the members of the New Party?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (confidently). Quite so. There'll be a perfect rush to join us. We shall have to "hold the fort" pretty strongly to prevent our being swamped. Mind, no weak compliance with what are called "social influences."
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. No. And no claim for admission founded on mere relationship to be regarded for a moment.
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Hm! I don't know. Family life, you see, is, after all, the basis of the State; and so it's only fair that the State should do something for one's family in return.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (diplomatically). All right! Then we'll shelve that subject. Now, as regards the G. O. M. Suppose he found himself quite out in the cold, and wanted to join us, eh?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (decidedly). Not for a moment. Where would our "Dual Control" be then?
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Of course. Shouldn't we let in Hartington? Yes. Well, how about Salisbury?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Awkward if Salisbury thinks of becoming member of New Party, eh?
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (energetically). That's my view entirely. You see, if Salisbury joins, he'll want to be Prime Minister, and then where should I be?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (surprised). You! The question rather is, where I should be?
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (hastily). Ah, well; then we'll shelve that subject too for the present. Wouldn't you—er—like—er—to go into the Lords, and lead them?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. You mean, of course, as Premier?
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (modestly). I thought—ahem—that my natural qualifications for that post were so obvious that——but, as I said, let's drop the subject for a time. We can come back to it again. Now, what's to be the programme of the Party?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (with emphasis). There's no doubt about that, I should think. Free Education, of course. Then Jesse insists on allotments and free holdings——
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (thoughtlessly). Hang Jesse!
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (with considerable dignity). Hang him? I intend Jesse as our first Chancellor of the Exchequer, or President of Board of Trade, I can tell you.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (gaily). All right. I don't mind, if you consent to Wolff being next Governor-General of India. Army and Navy Estimates to be cut down Five Millions, each, eh?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Couldn't think of it. We must have a Fleet of some sort, you know.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (discontentedly). Then that subject will have to be shelved, too, I suppose. You don't mind, at any rate, a clean sweep being made of the present Admiralty and Ordnance officials, eh?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (heartily). Not a bit. No broom you can use will be too hard for them. They'll make it a dirty sweep before you've done. Then there's Local Government, of course.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Readjustment of Taxation.
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Disestablishm——
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Eh? what?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (calmly). Don't be alarmed. We'll shelve that too, if you like.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (relieved). By all means. (With growing uneasiness.) But then, I say, after all, what is our programme? How does it differ from Salisbury's, for instance?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n (ingeniously). Oh, it's far more really Conservative than his, you know.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll. Yes—(encouraged)—- I see. Of course it is. And how does it differ from Gladstone's?
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. Gladstone's? Oh, well—er—it's more really and truly Liberal than his!
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll (ruminating). That sounds all right. The question is, will the country believe it? And if we have to shelve so many questions in order to form our new National Party, shan't we run a risk of being shelved ourselves when the next "wave of progress" sweeps over the Constituencies? [Left ruminating.