THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, July 11.—Another Child of Victory up to-day in person of Ballantine, who won Coventry for the Liberals. "We shall have quite a family soon," said Gladstone, who sat on Front Bench, arrayed in wonderful summer suit. "Blessings in disguise," Grandolph calls the new recruits to Opposition forces. But it comes to same thing.
Old Morality created sensation by openly avowing himself a Separatist. Is firm with respect to Union with Wales and Ireland, but weak on Scotland. Confession made in connection with promised Boundary Bill. Puleston asked whether Wales was to be included in measure.
"I have not been able," said Ritchie, with fine sarcasm, "to separate Wales from England in my own mind."
"Is Scotland in the Bill?" asked Anderson.
"No," said Old Morality.
"Then," said Tim Healy, "you separate Scotland in your own mind?" This was awkward; but the truth must be told, and Old Morality told it.
"I separate Scotland in my own mind," he said, in a voice low but firm.
Profound sensation on Ministerial Benches. Things looking bad for Ministry lately, what with Spalding, North Paddington, Coventry, and Miss Cass. But now, Leader of House having avowed himself a Separatist, outlook black indeed.
Elated with having brought out this damaging fact, Tim Healy went on rampage for rest of sitting. Arthur Balfour moved Second Reading of Irish Land Bill. Chamberlain, breaking long silence, delivered speech in support of measure. Tim kept up running commentary, growling, laughing spasmodically, and interjecting remarks. Chamberlain an ugly customer to tackle when at bay. Gave Tim as much as he brought. Wrangling getting a little high, when Speaker interposed, threatened to name Tim.
"Name away!" Tim sang out, cheerily; but knowing from experience that Speaker not to be trifled with, presently subsided.
On the whole a small House, and only whilst Chamberlain speaking any evidence of interest in proceedings. Next to the unexpected disclosure of Old Morality's falling away, most startling event of the evening was announcement by Ferguson that Wolff's pic-nic had already cost the country £27,000.
"£27,000!" exclaimed Coddington, making his maiden speech, and that sotto voce. "I'll undertake to say that if it had been proposed to him at first, Wolff would have taken the odd seven thousand and closed the bargain, leaving the tax-payer a clear gain of £20,000." And the Member for Blackburn softly whistled, and feebly rattled the loose change in his pocket.
Business done.—Irish Land Bill introduced.
Tuesday.—Wolff at door of both Houses. In fact he's there every night now. Peers and Commons are Unionists in desire to know when the pic-nic will be over, or, as Bryce put it to-night amid cheers, "When will finally and positively terminate the unparalleled and undignified position in which the country is placed?" In Lords the Markiss disowned a capital retort the reporters invented for him. On Monday, Rosebery understood to ask whether Wolff was supposed to be in a state of suspended animation what time the Sultan made up his mind. The Markiss reported to have replied that Wolff was "rather in a state of animated expectancy." Capital capping of a joke, only it appears Markiss isn't personally responsible for it.
"£27,000!"
"It would," he said, with a wink at Granville, "be disrespectful to use language like that with respect to Her Majesty's Ambassador."
Herschel says, Markiss is only mad because he didn't think of it at the time, and is jealous of the more nimble fancy of the reporters. In the Commons, Bryce announces that he will continue nightly to inquire about Wolff till he gets satisfactory answers.
A hot dull night and the Irish Land Bill again. John Dillon had the best of it, delivering a lively speech to full audience. After this, Members began to go to dinner, and forgot to return. A full muster on both Front Benches. Gladstone again in summer costume, with a rose in his coat and a gleam in his eye. Has grown ten years younger in the last fortnight. Spalding wiped off five years, North Paddington two, and Coventry the rest.
"A few more triumphs at the poll," says John Morley, "and he'll be younger than any of us."
After dinner, Gorst made a speech on behalf of Bill. Shrewd, pointed, and weighty with argument. "Another proof of fatuity of Government," said Parnell, who has come back in a brown billycock hat, "that they don't make more use of Gorst. Worth a bushelful of Georgy Hamiltons, Gibsons, Matthewses, or even Smiths."
When spirits of House properly attuned, H. C. E. Childers appeared on the scene, and delivered prodigious speech, through which the few Members present gently dozed.
H(ere) C(omes) E(verybody) Ch-ld-rs.
Business done.—Irish Land Bill.
Thursday.—Cheerful presence of Ashbourne diffused over Ministerial Bench in Lords to-night. Not often here. Has given up to Dublin what was meant for mankind. Always unfeignedly delighted to get back to Westminster. Business to-night to move the Second Reading of Coercion Bill. Considerable gathering of Peers, expecting debate, and possible division. Amazed to find Front Opposition Bench almost empty. Granville rises to explain that it is useless to fight measure, and therefore don't intend to raise debate. Argyll furious. Had meant to smash Opposition, and they had run away! Selborne sleekly sarcastic. Admitted he, too, had speech ready, but would wait for audience on Front Bench opposite. General feeling of disappointment. Several Peers who had come down, expecting lively entertainment, wanted their money returned at the doors. Markiss referred them to Granville, but Granville had already smiled his way out. Bill read Second Time, and sitting comically collapsed.
Commons crowded. Grandolph's name underlined on the bills. Understood he meant to "go for" the Government. Expectation fully realised. Took the Land Bill out of Balfour's hands, publicly danced on it, kicked it up and down floor of House, and finally tore it to shreds.
"I trust," he said, when, at end of hour's exercise of this kind, nothing was left of the Bill but its title, "that I have not by these observations added to the difficulties of the situation."
"Not at all, not at all," said Old Morality, polite to the last.
After Grandolph's finished performance, Harcourt a little heavy. Humour rose to highest level when he alluded to Jesse Collings as "the Member for Three Acres and a Cow." Henry James deeply offended at levity of Harcourt's tone. This last hit too much for him. Rose and quitted House amid hilarious cheers from Parnellites.
"That's the worst of these fellows."
"That's the worst of these fellows," said Mr. Leahy, looking on reflectively from the Bar. "Now they've begun to associate with gentlemen, our company's not good enough for them."
More speeches, including one from Parnell and another from Gladstone. But Grandolph's speech worth more than a division; so Second Reading of Land Bill passed without challenging one. Business done.—Lords read Coercion Bill Second Time, Commons the Land Bill.
House of Lords, Friday.—Glad it's all over, and nobody shot. At one time homicide seemed imminent. Granville, taking note of complaint of absence of Opposition on previous night, skilfully touched a chord of human nature. Explained that he had been present till eight o'clock, an hour which suggested dinner. More than one mouth watered, and a sob of sympathy was heard from Bench where new Peer, formerly known as Sclater-Booth, sat. Northbrook, however, obdurate. Introduced statement, which drew from Granville quiet remark, "That is not true." Northbrook hotly resumed his seat, as he said, to give Granville opportunity for explanation. Here was a pretty go! Lord Chancellor, with great presence of mind, adroitly, and apparently accidentally, covered Sword of State under heap of papers. Who could say what might happen if a bloodthirsty eye rested on this fortuitous means of attack? Granville, cool and self-possessed, repeated his abrupter ejaculations in more delicate, round-about fashion.
"I certainly," he observed, defiantly eyeing Northbrook, "said, as far as my knowledge goes, the statement is inaccurate."
A moment's breathless silence. The offence was repeated, with the added insult of mocking phrase. Would Northbrook ask Granville to "come outside," or would he swallow the affront? Northbrook looked a moment at the veteran Leader, noted his resolute look, his straightened figure, and the forefinger of his right hand dallying with a corner of a paper containing the Orders of the day, as if he were playing with pistol-trigger. On the whole, he thought he'd change the subject; which he did, to the relief of the excited ring of spectators. Business done.—Lords passed two stages of Coercion Bill right off. Commons in Supply.
SIR WILLIAM'S SKETCH OF THE GIPSIES ON THE TREASURY BENCH, July 14.
"Gipsies, said the play, disfigured the children they stole in order that they might pass them for their own. (Laughter.) The gipsies on the Treasury Bench (renewed laughter) stole the Bankruptcy Clauses of the Right Hon. Member for West Birmingham, and disfigured them in order that they might pass them for their own. (Cheers and laughter.)"
New Novel, dedicated to Dr. Jackson of New York: The Coming Man; or, The Lost Hair of the Ages. By Balder Dash.
Mrs. Ram says, of all uniforms she prefers that of the Horrible Artillery Company.
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